David's Journal

I am trying to find people who I can relate to on the heart valve sites; everyone seems to be living these protected, safe lives and it is really hard to relate to any of you.

My questions:

Anyone go to a nursing home after surgery ?
Anyone go through surgery as a cash patient ?
Anyone not have family ?
Anyone facing a break up with their live in partner after surgery ?
Anyone facing being single again after surgery ?
Anyone live overeaseas/Asia/Thailand/Bangkok ?
Anyone feeling lost/existential crisis ?
Anyone still searching for where to live, work, what you are good at, facing a lot of uncertainty ?

Please send me a direct message or reply here.

Thank you !

I am 26 days post op and even more depressed than ever..>Counseling, anti depressants, friends, exercise, cardiac rehab etc., not changing my mood...I am grateful to be a in nursing home and dread leaving here

This is a screenshot from chat gbt. It explains why I'm having trouble relating to most of you guys for obvious reasons. Most of you seem to be middle-aged or elderly you have stable lives... by the way you guys are making a lot of unchecked assumptions about me and it's frustrating. I have been in therapy since 1988. I do have an American therapist here in Thailand who's highly qualified they know what's going on. I've got a hard valve coach who's been through double heart valve surgeries. I do have a psychiatrist who happens to work at my hard hospital I have been trying to get treated for depression and anxiety for most of my life and you're correct it does predate the surgery. It sucks I just don't have what normal people have there's no career there's no job there's no house I'm not living in my home country I don't have a pet I'm at the end of a bad relationship I'm terrified of being single again and trying to find a new partner. I'm pissed off at myself that I didn't get another partner and break up with my current one before surgery. I feel like I'm on an island and I can't relate to anybody. I've never had a career I never found out what I was good at I mean I don't even own Furniture I don't own a house I haven't had a pet since my cat died in 96 I'm just an unconventional person. I moved to Hollywood to be an actor when I was 43 I moved to Asia alone at age 54. I have a lot of good friends here in Thailand as well as all over the world but I find the surgery and the recovery to be overwhelming. I'm already pushing myself hardcore cardiac wise but this is a long recovery in my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to Long recoveries. I don't like the disruptive nature of the surgery. I hate that we're forced to do this. I felt fine before it is surgery I guess I was probably asymptomatic severe I thought about waiting longer to do the surgery but I figured I was already at risk of having a heart attack or death and I know the ideal time to do the surgery is when you're asymptomatic severe. My condition was going downhill quickly. Again I was still feeling great though it's hard to believe I went from feeling great to feeling like garbage in a couple of weeks. I can't even look at the scar after 3 weeks I'm barely seen it. Maybe because my life is up in the air because I'm looking at becoming single again because hat because the scar really makes an impact on somebody like me who goes to the sauna who goes swimming who's often single who's an actor who prides myself and having a beautiful body I find the scar to be repugnant and disgusting. I've already picked up some sheets over the Internet that my doctor approved to try to minimize the appearance of the scar. Probably later this year or early next year I'm going to start doing laser surgery whatever cosmetic surgery I can do to minimize the scar. Like the rest of you I'm not thrilled about having an artificial valve I'm not thrilled about the drugs that I'm on in addition to the drugs that I was already on and yeah I suffer from severe major treatment resistant disorder. I kind of wish I'd move back to the States if for no other reason then to try to treat my depression. Then again I was in America for 50 years with depression and they weren't able to help me. My life in America was horrible as well my family was dead I don't have an extended family I don't have family of my own I was single I was alone I was lonely at least in Thailand I get attention from women I have a partner I have more friends here than I did back in the States but it's tough when you don't have family meaning purpose structure when your life is transient

I am 22 days out from surgery and still feel bad at a # of levels..Maybe at 5% of where I was before surgery (I felt fine before surgery)...Anyone relate?