David's Journal

Went home for the first time in 39 days. It was a disaster. My girlfriend and I were fighting all the time and I got food poisoning at a restaurant and end up soiling my under wear shorts and had to have my girlfriend go buy me some underwear and throw them back into the restroom at the mall that I was at. First time I've ever cropped all over my pants and my shoes like that completely humiliating. Anyways I was supposed to leave the nursing home where I've been for a while tomorrow. But I'm going to extend for another week.... still struggling with so many aspects of recovery. My depression is out of control. I'm on antidepressants.... So I feel like I've got a damned if I do damned if I don't situation if I go back home I either have to deal with my girlfriend or break up with her either one is painful and I can't stay at the nursing home forever I'm kind of getting to the point where I don't need it but I'm there because I'm sort of in a holding pattern The good thing is like I said I didn't go home for 39 days I was phobic about it and at least I got the check certain things out I also don't have a job or family or any meaning purpose or structure and because I'm still early enough in my recovery I'm limited as to what I can do So I'm afraid if I go home I'm just gonna be getting In fights and abused by my girlfriend and I won't have anything to do So for me home is at home home is misery

I am just a shell of the person I was before surgery
Shocked at how fast the reversal was from being ok on October 1st right before surgery-the surgery happened and I lost it all
I feel just as bad as I did in the ICU a month ago
36 days since surgery
26 days since I was discharged from the hospital
Depression out of control and hard to manage
No energy
I can walk more and my exercise is up-but beyond that I am a basket case---no energy, depressed, feel lost, etc etc. I also haven't been home in 38 days because I'm in a toxic relationship I live overseas I don't have living family anywhere in the world so I've got very addicted to the hospital and the nursing home. I absolutely dread going home I'm afraid I'm going to crumble mentally plus there's heavy glass doors that make it in and out the elevators the gym everything difficult. There's not a lot of friends that I have I live in Thailand buildings with thousands of people there are some friends there but not a lot of them. And again my family is just dead I don't have any family I never had kids never got married I just have one sick brother in San jose. So even if I lived in America one change anything. Maybe I'd have a couple of close friends look out for me but I've got friends here as well that will look after me a little bit as far as meeting with me but again I can't relate to you guys everybody keeps rambling on endlessly about family I don't have family going home is a nightmare for me I can't imagine a day when I'm going to feel comfortable leaving the nursing home I just don't have family it seems like that's hard to communicate with people in the smart groups there just isn't family it doesn't exist home is not a place of comfort for me it's a tiny one bedroom apartment in a high-rise in Bangkok Thailand it works pretty well when I'm healthy but not after surgery. I've been alone most of my adult life. Just didn't manage to find a wife or get married or have kids I only had two parents and two brothers growing up my parents are long gone one of my brothers is long dad the other one again is a basket case and it's barely useful for you. I moved to Asia at age 54 simply because I didn't want to be alone and I have to say I do feel less alone here than I did in America America was a disaster everybody I loved was dead it got increasingly difficult to find a partner is I got older so I shouldn't complain my biggest mistake before surgery was not breaking up with my current partner and getting another one it's haunted me

I am trying to find people who I can relate to on the heart valve sites; everyone seems to be living these protected, safe lives and it is really hard to relate to any of you.

My questions:

Anyone go to a nursing home after surgery ?
Anyone go through surgery as a cash patient ?
Anyone not have family ?
Anyone facing a break up with their live in partner after surgery ?
Anyone facing being single again after surgery ?
Anyone live overeaseas/Asia/Thailand/Bangkok ?
Anyone feeling lost/existential crisis ?
Anyone still searching for where to live, work, what you are good at, facing a lot of uncertainty ?

Please send me a direct message or reply here.

Thank you !

I am 26 days post op and even more depressed than ever..>Counseling, anti depressants, friends, exercise, cardiac rehab etc., not changing my mood...I am grateful to be a in nursing home and dread leaving here

This is a screenshot from chat gbt. It explains why I'm having trouble relating to most of you guys for obvious reasons. Most of you seem to be middle-aged or elderly you have stable lives... by the way you guys are making a lot of unchecked assumptions about me and it's frustrating. I have been in therapy since 1988. I do have an American therapist here in Thailand who's highly qualified they know what's going on. I've got a hard valve coach who's been through double heart valve surgeries. I do have a psychiatrist who happens to work at my hard hospital I have been trying to get treated for depression and anxiety for most of my life and you're correct it does predate the surgery. It sucks I just don't have what normal people have there's no career there's no job there's no house I'm not living in my home country I don't have a pet I'm at the end of a bad relationship I'm terrified of being single again and trying to find a new partner. I'm pissed off at myself that I didn't get another partner and break up with my current one before surgery. I feel like I'm on an island and I can't relate to anybody. I've never had a career I never found out what I was good at I mean I don't even own Furniture I don't own a house I haven't had a pet since my cat died in 96 I'm just an unconventional person. I moved to Hollywood to be an actor when I was 43 I moved to Asia alone at age 54. I have a lot of good friends here in Thailand as well as all over the world but I find the surgery and the recovery to be overwhelming. I'm already pushing myself hardcore cardiac wise but this is a long recovery in my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to Long recoveries. I don't like the disruptive nature of the surgery. I hate that we're forced to do this. I felt fine before it is surgery I guess I was probably asymptomatic severe I thought about waiting longer to do the surgery but I figured I was already at risk of having a heart attack or death and I know the ideal time to do the surgery is when you're asymptomatic severe. My condition was going downhill quickly. Again I was still feeling great though it's hard to believe I went from feeling great to feeling like garbage in a couple of weeks. I can't even look at the scar after 3 weeks I'm barely seen it. Maybe because my life is up in the air because I'm looking at becoming single again because hat because the scar really makes an impact on somebody like me who goes to the sauna who goes swimming who's often single who's an actor who prides myself and having a beautiful body I find the scar to be repugnant and disgusting. I've already picked up some sheets over the Internet that my doctor approved to try to minimize the appearance of the scar. Probably later this year or early next year I'm going to start doing laser surgery whatever cosmetic surgery I can do to minimize the scar. Like the rest of you I'm not thrilled about having an artificial valve I'm not thrilled about the drugs that I'm on in addition to the drugs that I was already on and yeah I suffer from severe major treatment resistant disorder. I kind of wish I'd move back to the States if for no other reason then to try to treat my depression. Then again I was in America for 50 years with depression and they weren't able to help me. My life in America was horrible as well my family was dead I don't have an extended family I don't have family of my own I was single I was alone I was lonely at least in Thailand I get attention from women I have a partner I have more friends here than I did back in the States but it's tough when you don't have family meaning purpose structure when your life is transient

I am 22 days out from surgery and still feel bad at a # of levels..Maybe at 5% of where I was before surgery (I felt fine before surgery)...Anyone relate?