Thomas's Journal

Marie Myers  Sounds like you are doing well. I am betting that they will decrease your beta blocker as long as your heart rate and BP are good. Wishing you a great checkup in December!

Rose Madura  Great post! And I hope Marie is right about the beta blocker. Maybe if it's reduced, you'll be able to run better.

Martin Smith  Thanks for posting this, Thomas. I'm interested in your return to endurance activity. I had a Ross operation 2 weeks prior to your operation, so we're at a similar moment in our recoveries. I've been fit all my adult life. Cardio and strength training were important to me for decades. Time spent at the gym was justified as a way to keep me paddling in the Canadian backcountry and telemark skiing in the winter. On the advice of my physicians, for the year preceding my operation I had reduced the intensity of my physical activity. Nonetheless, I was in good shape going into the operating room. I came out in decent shape, too, and recovery has been steady, albeit quite conservative. Almost a year in and I'm solo tripping again (paddling and portaging canoes), doing some resistance training, walking, and occasionally (ok...rarely!) jogging. Here's the rub: after two years of easing off I'm much less motivated, and less disciplined to do what's necessary to return to the sense of fitness I'd maintained for so long prior to the diagnosis and treatment of my valve problem. You and I are on the same beta-blocker, though your dosage is heavier than mine. I tend to think that my lack of motivation is more mental than a result of the meds. I got used to a less ambitious fitness lifestyle, and dare I say it, I feel lazier than I used to feel. As I said, I suspect age, Covid isolation, and radical change in routine and expectations have played a role in how I've been feeling. I'm pleased to read your account of your fitness efforts, and wish you well in continuing. Your account signals to me that there's surely room for more ambition in my program.

Thomas Quigley  Martin Smith One of the main side effects of beta blockers is lethargy. It's not just your mental state as you alluded to it is in fact, at least partially, your beta blocker. Sometimes beta blockers are used to treat people with social anxiety because beta blockers block adrenaline (epinephrin receptors) so you cant get as excited about things as you used to! In heart patients this does keep your heart rate down. LOL it's funny because I feel more calm because I'm on this drug, but here's the thing - I don't want to be calm and serene. I want to get excited and be exhilerated! I can't do that if I'm shuffeling around like a little old man! Any how thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm glad you are staying active. I'm envious of your backcountry adventurous lifestyle!

  Great post Thomas. You have a great weekend too. God bless you and continued recovery and good health

Jerome Hill  Glad to hear you are doing fantastic Thomas. Keep it up. I’m right there besides you in my recovery.

Steven Methot  It's snowing (yes... snowing) and it is a gray day, temps in the mid 20's F, unseasonably cold, even for Calgary. Your post has brightened my day and brought a bit of sunshine and warmth with good news. This is great. One day at a time Thomas, One day at a time!

Lisa Hostetter  So glad to hear you are feeling better. My surgery is Tuesday and I’m ready to be on the recovery side. Thanks for great posts.

Lee Wright  So glad to hear this Thomas!!! Patience is definitely needed on the recovery side! But sounds like you have made it through the toughest part :)

  We love you back Thomas. I feel like I know everyone that writes on this blog personally, it’s a special bond. Our prayers have been answered and soooooo glad you snapped out of it. Continued recovery and good health. God bless you

Rose Madura  Glad you are doing better. My taste buds we out of whack for a few months. Even certain smells would make me nauseous. The sleep will also get better in time. Go slow with your recovery and listen to your body. Glad you reached out to us. We are here for you. Hang in there.

Jim Archer  My surgery was six months ago, aortic valve replacement and aorta repair. The ascending aorta was dilated to 6.8 cm, and all was at risk. But all came out ok. Sleep was a problem for me also. Tylenol PM works for me, with melatonin and some other natural relaxants. Do some web research on sleep disorders and you will find good tips. What helps me is to read for an hour before bed. Keep up the great recovery.

  Hi Thomas, small progress but progress. You still have a good attitude and seem to take it one day at a time. Continue to have your positive attitude and be patient. You will heal and all these issues soon shall pass, you will see. I will continue to pray for your recovery and your wellbeing. Hang in there. God bless you

Jennifer Barnett  Glad to hear you are back home and making some good progress, your appetite will return it just takes a bit of time. I remember feeling very upset and having nightmares while still in hospital but was more settled at home. Heart surgery can stir up quite alot of emotions which I think is probably quite common I certainly experienced them.

Susan Lynn  Thomas - It's frustrating when sleeping and eating - two of the most critical life-sustaining activities - are difficult. Unfortunately, they are both common after OHS. I found that sleeping whenever I felt like it and eating whatever I wanted worked for me. We're regimented individuals and want to get back to our normal schedules, but our bodies may have other ideas. I didn't worry about what I was eating except for high vitamin K foods since I was initially on a blood thinner. I was mainly craving only fruit, so that's what I ate. Sometimes I slept during the day and watched movies at night. Sooner or later, you'll find what works for you, but for now, stop looking at the clock and don't worry about the food pyramid - this is temporary. You'll be surprised how much better you'll feel in a week or two. Hang in there! Better days are ahead!

Wendy Matias  Hi Thomas Glad to hear you're feeling better after surgery. Continue to stay positive and think that the hardest part was having the surgery. I will be having surgery on November 2nd and I feel at ease and positive. I really hope I don't get depress. Try to entertain yourself as much as possible in that way you'll keep your mind occupied while healing. Best wishes your way!

Rita Savelis  OHS messes with most everything, including your sense of taste. It takes time for ones body to get back to normal or to a different normal. I rarely take sleep medication but I did after OHS because both your body and your mind need sleep to heal and it can be so hard to sleep. Whether or not I slept I felt EXHAUSTED for a long time. Not tired, but exhausted! Your body has been through a lot and you can't see most of it. Take care. Rest. Hope you're able to sleep with your dog now.

Marie Myers  You are not alone in these extreme feelings. I think that what we ,as heart surgery patients ,have been through physically ( even if we were anesthetized at the time) Is a very extreme stress that our bodies and mind are reacting to. Maybe we are trying to process what happened ! It is truly amazing this huge surgery was performed, and then we are at home a week later. I found myself just bursting into tears literally over nothing during the first couple weeks. I think we all process the experience differently, and therefore will react differently. I would definitely contact your primary physician or cardiologist and explain what you are experiencing. Some short term meds or talk therapy can help. Keep up with your walking, preferably out in the sun, as this can help also.I remember that I also had panic and disbelief when I first realized that I would need heart surgery since it all came up unexpectedly for me. I went on a 2 week course of buspirone 5 mg to calm me down after experiencing pounding heart and a 188/85 BP in the surgeons office preop. I hope you can get some help through the difficult early days of recovery from heart surgery. Please keep us posted and God Bless you! You will get through this!

Thomas Quigley  Marie Myers thank you! Sometimes knowing that I'm not alone and that this phenomena is not unique to me is very helpful. I'll ride it out. I have to. And I'm seeing my doctor this week, I'll discuss this with her as well. But the intensity of the panic at the time it occurs is beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Marie Myers  Glad to help. Lots of weird feelings, sensations, thoughts that I don’t the docs don’t even realize happen. That is why this forum is so helpful! We have the actual experience...

Lee Wright  Thomas, I had almost the same thing for three days, it started about 10 days after I got home. It has since gone away so I hope that gives you solace!!! Mine started as a panic one day that I would not fall asleep and it turned into a panic attack that I have had once before, also about a fear of not sleeping but that was a very long time ago. I did not tell anyone about it for the first two days and I was feeling so stressed. But then I told a friend who is a therapist and it helped me so much. I cried on the phone with her for a while and it felt like a really good emotional release. I think as we gear up for surgery, we hold everything together quite well and then afterwards, the fear that we had been stuffing away comes bubbling back up and needs to be released, almost like a pressure cooker. My friend encouraged me to tell my family about it too because I had been shielding them because I did not want them to worry. I also started worrying that I was going to hurt my heart and impact its recovery. But I have let all of that go now, thank goodness, I was really freaking out. My friend had some low dose of Klonopin and I took one for two nights to help me just feel very relaxed at bedtime and I think that also helped. My friend, the therapist had me write down a list with the prompt...My brain is telling me the Story that... and I wrote a list of every possible worry that was popping in my head and I could not believe how many things I had added to my worry list after about ten minutes. She told me to keep adding to the list anytime something bubbled up, she said writing it down has an impact on your brain, different to talking or typing. Anyway, I want to say that I totally understand and I got through it so I know you will too. It is by far way worse than any physical pain. I also have not taken Percuset or any of the hard pain drugs since Day 2 (they caused issues with my BP) but anxiety and panic cannot be ignored like pain can. I would definitely talk to your support people, even if they just listen, that helps!!! Sending you a virtual hug :)

Steven Methot  What Marie said. It sounds like depression and that is fairly common after major surgery and apparently is more common after heart surgery. Speak to your doctor ASAP. By the way, glad to see you posting. You've been in my thoughts a lot.

Lee Wright  This might help, it is a guided visualization I did at the beginning of Covid quarantine for my students (I run a small yoga studio). I think this could be helpful for anyone struggling with minor anxiety or just to relax and let go. I have thought about doing one specific to heart surgery recovery but have not done so yet. Hope this helps :)

Nancy W  I can only say for me now at 10 weeks post surgery that it does get better. This has been the most difficult ordeal physically, emotionally and spiritually of my life. This forum has helped me tremendously. I have had some serious roller coaster emotions that took me by complete surprise. Keep reaching out to this forum- the support and insight has been invaluable to me. I hope today is better

Rita Savelis  Thank you for sharing. I hear you Thomas. You have been through so much. It is normal to feel as you are feeling. Emotional pain is harder than physical pain. When surgery is successful we are expected to be grateful and move on. But we need to process what we have been through. It's hard. I encourage you to speak to your doctors and to a therapist about what you are feeling. It is important to put words on those feelings and to share them. It can be hard to share them with your loved ones because they can not always understand what you have been through. So speaking to a therapist can be helpful. I wrote a long post about depression on my site (back in 2016) because I wanted to share an experience that is very common but can be hard to talk about. Take care Thomas. Keep writing.

Thomas Quigley  Thank you all for the support and helpful advice. The first night I got home from the hospital was horrendous. I looked forward to beiing home so much. But I usually sleep with my wife and doggie in one bed. But she didn't think that sleeping with my dog was a good idea, because it was unsanitary and with my raw incision, she didn't want me to get infected. So i slept downstairs in the guest bedroom, except I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't. So i paced around the house ALL night long. I think lack of sleep is a huge trigger for thes emotional panic attacks. I probably got two hours of sleep per day in the hospital and over the eight days i was in recovery that amounts to only 16 hours of sleep! I think my mind had just had enough and these panic attacks and debilitating gloom and doom moods had to be inevitable. So because I'm not taking the percoset I was able to take an ambien and for the first time in ten days I was able to sleep 5 hours straight. That was tremendously helpful. I'll be sure to discuss this with my various array of doctors. These attacks are far too scary and painful to sweep under the rug as some of us big tough macho guys are want to do. LOL Thanks for all your responses and support. You have no idea how much you have helped me.

Steven Methot  Thomas, you are very self-aware, that is apparent. I have no doubt that you're going to lick this.

Lee Wright  Sleep deprivation will cause terrible emotional issues and panic!!! Don't let it linger for long. I had issues with it after my second baby was a nightmare with sleep for almost a year. I took Klonopin for a while once she started sleeping and I was dealing with panic/depression from sleep deprivation and that was the best thing, it helped me get rest so that I could find my equilibrium again. I found that more helpful than sleep aids, I tried both and the doctors let me choose what was working best for me at the time.

Shannon Gray  You are truly not alone. The social worker I spoke with in the hospital once told me that of course these feelings with high emotions are running wild... out heart was just messed with. I do understand and experienced similar states. Keep in contact with your doctor, and know to hold tight... you will come out greater than before in time.

john roland  Just look at the picture of Jerome. That will be you tomorrow. Get a good nights sleep and picture yourself on the recovery side. It is no picnic but it's better than the other option.

Adam Pick  Thomas, the nerves are all part of this process. Try not to let the anxiety overwhelm you. Think about how many success stories you have seen at HVS. You are going to do great. To help you reflect, here's one of my favorite poems:

“Come to the edge,” he said.
“But, we are afraid,” they said.

“Come to the edge,” he said.
“But, it’s so high,” they said.

“Come to the edge,” he said.
“But, we might fall,” they said.

“Come to the edge…” he said.

They came…

He pushed…

They flew!

It's time to fly Thomas!

Steven Methot  Thomas, if you weren't nervous I'd be wondering. Pulling for you. You'll be out on the trails in no time!

Marie Myers  Totally understand the nerves. I was very anxious about the surgery. After all was said and done, the things I most worried about (pain, the breathing tube, chest tubes) were not as bad as my mind had made them out to be. You can do this! Wishing you a smooth trip through surgery and recovery!

Lee Wright  You are gonna do great, the hardest part of getting to surgery is now behind you! Keep focused on how great you will feel once you are through recovery!

Darrin Vohs  Best wishes. Surgery will be over in the blink of an eye. Soon you will be on the recovery side and part of an exclusive club!

Shannon Gray  Best wishes! My surgeon told me on the day of my surgery, I got the easy role... from then on the work was in me. You’ve got this!

Steven Methot  I can imagine. Was just talking about this sort of thing with my Dad. I remember my Granny (his mom) whenever the conversation got into hard topics or people started worrying about things would always say... "Let's talk about something good to eat!" We had a laugh about that. For you I'd suggest just thinking about being out on the trail.

Dan Baltazor  Hang in there. Bond with those here that are going right along with you. Together you all will find the strength to get through the waiting.

Barbara Laurie  If you weren’t nervous you wouldn’t be human! I’ve seen 4.5 years of HVS patients go through this and come out feeling great! I remember the morning of, prepping, all my nervousness went away,! The calm just was there. I had a bunch to face, but I know God got me through.