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Diagnosis: Aortic Regurgitation, Aortic Stenosis, Bicuspid Aortic Valve, Aortic Aneurysm

Member Since: January 23, 2015

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John Pfeffer posted an update

11 years ago (January 23, 2015)

So. I have mentioned over all my posts.. depression has been an issue.. I dealt with it before surgery.. but after it has almost been unbearable some days. I know sort of.. that this surgery has saved my life.. sort of... I have lost my real voice as of yet.. which is a big problem for me... I have lots of aches and pains.. and lifting restrictions..etc....all a constant reminder of my defectiveness at least at this point.. as if the voice wasn't enough.. each and every time I try to talk it sounds off ... I know in time the aches and pains will go away.. and maybe if I am really lucky I will get my voice back.... Here is what has me down.. and has had me down even before the surgery.. I am 44.. the bovine valve.. has something like 8-20 yr range.. as long as nothing else goes wrong.. So I am looking at probably 2-3 more replacements?.... The mech valve was more like 30 yrs.. but at 44 that isn't lifetime either.. Depression isn't logical.. or does it make sense.. So yes I know.. 8-20 yrs is a long time from now.. but.... I am so frustrated to have been forced to have this surgery because of the aneursym.. to replace a leaking valve... that could have waited. with a replacement that we know won't last too long.. especially with my active life... And even if the mech valve were more of an option.. my lifestyle would have been at odds with it.. 4x4 ing.. motorcyle riding.. etc... I often wish I had never known.. and rolled the dice.. I love my wife very much.. and my family.. and I did it purely to stick around for them.. but I am really struggling.. with feeling like there is a big clock on the wall with the hands counting down till the next replacement... I honestly don't know how to deal with these feelings..? I am so sad some of the days.. it is all I can do to get out of bed... and go to work.. My wife is trying her best.. but knowing I will need more surgery... even years from know is my problem... The surgery has lots of drawbacks... for sure.. but my single biggest issue before the surgery was the breathing tube... and as it turned out it was the big issue for me.. the chest incision was not a big issue... If that Dr.. had only come back in a few hours when I was awake.. it could have come out.. but he chose to make it a low priority... and as such I am even more petrified of ever having to have a breathing tube again... Like I said.. not logical.. exactly... and I know that.. and depression isn't logical.. or as some people like to quip "just be happy"... believe me if I knew how to just flip the switch I would..... For me the bad days aren't really pain.. etc.. Is is the mental aspect.. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else deal. or did deal with those feelings? Wishing they had just skipped it all and let nature take it's course? Thanks

Kimberly Biddick

John, I am truly sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with depression. I completely can relate to how you feel the heaviness of the diagnosis weighing on you and how there is no "one time" fix for this condition we have. It's hard to live in the... Read more.

John Pfeffer

Hi Kim... Thank you so much... for your reply.. This has been hard... at 44 to get the news with no symptoms... It was and is a lot to deal with.. At least if I had felt bad.. I could look to feeling better.. but I swear i felt perfect...... Read more.

Barry Van Gemert

With advancements in medicine, in 10-20 years they will probably be able to fix you up with a much simpler procedure. So relax and enjoy every day you wake up.

Meredith Bray

I can't believe you were driving after only 3 weeks! My surgeon told me to wait 4 weeks. I was so scared the first time I drove, just around the block. All those muscles I never even though about. At 2 months out, I was still out of work, and... Read more.

Jim Kelly-Evans

Yea the uncertainty sucks but John we each have to play the cards we're dealt. Hang in there. "it gets better"...we're all in the same boat just different rows. Keep posting!

Bob M

John, I am betting for you and others and me that the valve in valve procedure will avoid OHS next time. You are blessed that you have a family that loves you.

Cheryl Batzing

John, I read all your posts and am so sorry about your experience. I had my mitral valve repaired on Dec. 16 and did worry about the ventilator as well. Mine was not a pleasant experience, but not nearly as bad as yours. I will keep you in my thoughts... Read more.

Wiliam Height

John, I just read your posts and sorry to hear your experience. I also agree with what every has said already to help you with what you are struggling with and suggest you keep posting here to this family. Each one of your earlier post-op posts had optimism you have... Read more.

Duane Beeman

John: My experience in life is that everybody deals with adversity and confronts their challenges and fears differently. Some people pray. Some people medicate. Some people rely on the comfort and strength of others. Some people retreat within themselves and meditate. Some use humor. Some get a game face on... Read more.

Clay Rowe

It's a kick in the crotch. But no regret or dread that you entertain today will buy you more time or help you with who you are right now. The die is cast...the deal is done. We're in the same boat...near asymptomatic except "your heart gonna asplode...here's your bovine valve... Read more.

Joseph Ballett

John I don't know how much i can say on here, you are not alone, there are many here that can help you face your demons, if you would like to chat privately let me know .Stay strong, and your mind is the key to your strength.

John Pfeffer posted an update

11 years ago (January 23, 2015)

So..here I sit.. It's Friday.. 1/23/15... Glad another week is over... My energy level gets better each day... but still not nearly 100%.. Last night another family bday celebration.. After working all day.. a late night is a struggle to enjoy and be fun... :( At my desk at work..... Read more.

Bob M

You are a survivor, heart brother

John Pfeffer posted an update

11 years ago (January 23, 2015)

Wifes bday... Wow... I want to say I married an angel... This is my second marriage.. and I did much better.. the best!! She has been with me for almost every appt.. She stayed in the room with me every night they let her.. She has been awesome.. Crystal has... Read more.

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