Sandy Poe - Heart Valve Journal

Update posted on...

August 31, 2014

I am Michaels wife Sandy and have been sort of watching and reading your posts thru Michael he gets so much help from you all on here and I am so happy he found all of you here. I am having so much trouble trying to know what to do , how to help him, how not to help him, how not to make him worry and upset with me cause I am scared, I am not a strong person and I am trying to be. We only have my income at this point so I am trying to find a way to still work and be here for him but at times I feel being here for him is doing more damage, than helping him. I tend to push with all the family I have lost to many medical reasons. We have no one to help us be the caregiver while I work and I fear that Michael will either give up because he hurts or he will do too much .I know I have to trust him to do the right thing. But it is so hard. I am a mother of three and have always been more than protective, and Michael has been my steady. I have many medical problems of my own and I know this has nothing to do about me but he wanted me to come on this site and talk to you all and any caregivers in here. I sit here typing all this and think maybe I should stop and tell myself this ordeal is not about me or happening to me so I should not be such a baby. I have lost all my family to cancer or other medical problems. And This Scares the Heck out of me I don't know how to deal with this. I know the hospital thing the doctors and nurses and other staff are great and they will take great care of him. I just feel so helpless. He tells me that I push my opinion too much so I try to back off but I don't want him to think or feel I don't care I think I may care too much I just don't know how to find a happy medium. I listen to the doctors and staff tell us he will have to push harder than he has ever done before in his life but also know that when he has gotten hurt before I have listened to him say many times that he should maybe just stop retire and take life easy. I just don't know what to do how hard to push not push, I am just so confused, I love him dearly and maybe it is selfish but I don't want to lose him. I wish there was a sight for caregivers of heart surgery survivors because I really don't mean to bring you all down you all are all so positive and at this time that is so needed. so I will leave this as it is such a long winded post. take care hope that I have not brought you all down. Sandy Michaels Wife

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Terrie Syvertsen Dear Sandy, Good to hear from you. I was hoping you would write as I already know that Michael is concerned for you as well as himself and what you are facing. ... Read more

Terrie Syvertsen Dear Sandy, Good to hear from you. I was hoping you would write as I already know that Michael is concerned for you as well as himself and what you are facing. I am going to write now and then ask my husband Gary(Mighty caregiver) to write you what he thinks, OK? My first thoughts to convey are this: First and most importantly is You Are Stronger than you think or will ever give yourself credit for. You are exactly what Michael needs and anything you have to give is exactly what he will need to make it through this journey. AND DEAR SANDY
THIS IS ABOUT YOU.....every bit as much as it is about Michael and understanding and accepting this is what will give you all the strength to make it through. This Journey is one that will test you but often times make you reflect at the oddest of times on who the two of you are as both individuals but most importantly as a couple. Part of the great Team you formed and chose to be on. I am sitting at the computer here with a nightgown(t-shirt) on with my full sternotomy directly below my nose. I have 15 staples running down the front as well as stitches to hold me in place( I am a larger sized woman so these extras were necessary. I am also 65 yrs. old. I also have type 2 diabetes and take insulin daily. Keep getting my levels better since the heart issue arose.
So yes, other health issues that I have learned to live with and made the decision to choose life over death by dealing directly with them just as you and Michael are doing. I am doing ok after being home only 6 days. Today I walked across to the park and a total of 1640 ft. The first day it was quite different(see my journal) but each step was a new step, each step was a step with a newly changed heart, a heart that is happy to be crossing the street knowing it is healing. It is important for you both to see that in a short time you and Michael will be able to take the same walk of healing. You need to try to pull together anyone you both are comfortable with to help line up the help it will take to get through each day and night until your comfort level is as good as you can get it. (I only have Gary here at home with me as he took time off for two weeks. After this time I am seeing with a little patience from me and a little planning with meals/drinks showers it can be done as things will begin to fall into place where you and he both know what the needs are and believe me you are up to the task (BOTH OF YOU) to get through the weeks ahead. Then you will be sharing the stories of the two of you and your own words of how surprised you were that the two of you were able to face all the challenges and how much you relish every accomplishment as your body and hearts heal. Yes your heart as well.
My healing heart goes out to you Sandy as well for it is most difficult to watch anyone we love go through any kinds of pain and healing. But it will only be temporary and then you will see you are not the one with the only job or that there are alternatives you hadn't thought about until you found with a healing heart you have different choices.
And Michael will have to behave because it will take time and patience to let this heart of his heal and the more respect he has for the process the more healthier his progress will be. One day you will both be on the other side of this and Sandy, please believe you are more than up to the challenge but know you also have a big role in this by: TAKING CARE OF YOU! TOO! Eat well, rest when you can. ASK FAMILY?FRIENDS?NEIGHBORS?CO-WORKERS Us here online and you will be heard, helped and given the support you need. Don't be afraid to ask the people closest to you to do even the smallest of things that can make this time go easier. Don't go into this afraid to lose him but instead of what life will be like when you get him back and help him find his way back to a better life. Time is the only thing you can't force faster here. You must be patient with the patient and give yourself the credit you will have earned for being with your husband, best friend at a most difficult time of your lives. God& Sweet Universe Bless you and your family. We are all here for you and will be happy when it is you or Michael on the other side of the computer typing away to someone who may need your support or confidence as they head for surgery. Sorry for my ramblings as I am tired from my walk but concerned about you. Love, Terrie

Sandy Poe Thank you Terrie your words of encouragement truly do help I try so hard to be encourage him thru this and do as my best can be to not be pushy my nature is ... Read more

Eleanor R Hi, Sandy. You are not alone, and yes my dear this is indeed also about you. As the person closest to Michael, his illness, diagnosis, surgery and eventual ... Read more

Eleanor R Hi, Sandy. You are not alone, and yes my dear this is indeed also about you. As the person closest to Michael, his illness, diagnosis, surgery and eventual recovery is affecting you as well as him. You can look up in the search section ""Caregiver" and you will find the posting that my daughter Erica did, even before I opened a journal on this site. Like you, see what looking for help, information, answers. She ended up reading a lot of journals and that helped her relax (a little). She is an adult, 35 y/o, and like you she has lost family (grandparents, father, her own nany and granny most recently, aunts and uncles) so she is hyper sensitive to not losing me! She didn't, we both survived the surgery just fine. She moved back home to be with me, as she had the summer free as a teacher, and it has been such a comfort to me, even though at times it has been me comforting her or assuring her that just because I am tired, I am still just fine. I am fond of a saying attributed to Mother Theresa: "I know God would not give me anything I could not handle, but I wish he would not trust me so much". You are stronger than you know you can be. There is a lot you can do to prepare for your husband's surgery and your own return to work. I was actually OK home alone for several hours a day even from week 2. Week 1, I needed help to get washed, dressed, and down stairs. More a monitor than really helping me, just to keep an eye on me. But by week 2 I was good alone, and believe me Michael will not overdo it. he may try, but his body will give him immediate feedback: "Stop that, I am trying to heal!". If you scroll through my journal, I wrote some things about preparing yourself and your home for homecoming (putting things at a reachable level, making sure you have a place to sit down in the shower, or on the side of the tub, or whatever, shirts you can get on easily without lifting your arms above your head, etc.). You will make it! Ask me anything that worries you, I'm now at six 8 post surgery. Best wishes to you both, Eleanor

Sandy Poe ty Eleanor for the kind words and the reassurance they are greatly appreciated I have a bit of a hard time being bi-polar and having depression and add-adhd ... Read more

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