3 years ago today, I was sitting in Pre-Op waiting to be whe
Journal posted on February 20, 2017
Wow, time flies 3 year anniversary today of Aortic Aneurysm repaid. Still have my Bicuspid valve, and an upcoming echo I expect to hear it is still super healthy. I have managed to really get back into fitness, dropping a lot of weight, adding a wack of muscle and shrinking my dimensions from top end of large to small end of medium. Feeling amazing. So appreciative of the team at St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver who did such a great job!
Sue Sanchez Grela Dennis, what an amazing story you have and your progress is encouraging!
Clare Auten Hey Dennis! So good to hear from you! I am just past 3 yrs. Blood pressure is under control and life is back to normal. I am assuming from your post that your ... Read more
Clare Auten Hey Dennis! So good to hear from you! I am just past 3 yrs. Blood pressure is under control and life is back to normal. I am assuming from your post that your palpatations are gone and things are going well. Take care. Clare
Sorry to have not updated!!!!
Journal posted on May 11, 2014
It seems as my health is basically normal now, I find less time to do things like this.
Now 10 weeks post op! Cardiac Rehab going well. Scheduled for the big CT on May 30th to get the final, "Yep, it is all as good as you feel it is!"
How is THAT for positive thinking!
Been cleared to drive, cleared to fly and travel, at this point I would say i am 95%.
The 5% that is not right is minor. Muscle type pain in chest/arms/shoulders from all the muscles getting re-activated and sleeping a little strange at times. (closer to normal stomach sleeping but not quite there so sometimes wake up quite twisted up)
The last bit is a fast heart rate of 95 or so as Metropolol wears off, and still the SUPER heavy thumpy heartbeat in my ears! Both things that are quite normal and go away over time from all I have read and been told.
So doing GREAT! Just in time for the good weather!
Ok 5 weeks since my operation. Now we are into the Cardiologist appointments and Stress test data collection in preparation for my first Cardiac Rehab session in the Gym on April 7.
Have to say I am getting very confused/frustrated with the system now the wonderful work of the surgeons and doctors and nurses AT the hospital DURING the ordeal is past. that part was Stupendous, amazing, excellent and all kinds of things words can't describe.
Now, I do feel like a number. A number that nobody remembers, or takes the time to study before meeting me, then has no time at all to learn enough about me.
I went to Cardiologist appointment. I am asked so what did you have done. I said AAA repair. They said did you have a graft on the weak part or the whole thing, or blah blah blah. Hmmmmmm... how would I know this? Even when i read the post op report, it says I had Tube Graft, Arch Vessel Reimplant. They can't read this? Same hospital surgery was done at, all my papers in front of them....
Then they tell me that an annuerism only comes from Marphans or some other vascular disease and asked me if they biopsied the bits they took out of me. Again. hmmmmmm how would I know this?
Surgeon told me Bicuspid valve leads to annuerism in xx% of cases, and I have no risk factors for other reasons etc. Cardiologist tells me it never or almost never happens this way. Who is right?
Internet seems to confirm Surgeons words... Do I switch cardiologists?
Couldn't for the life of me decipher what "Arch Vessel Reimplant" meant from Professor Google, and not sure worth interrupting my busy Surgeon to ask. Will just let it go with thanks he fixed what he needed to fix how he needed to fix it.
Turns out they did biopsy, got the report in hand, all the things that can cause an annuerism, I do NOT have. Seems just from bicuspid valve. You can see just how comfortable I am getting in the process.
I guess better safe than sorry so will see what cardiologist decides to do next... maybe overly cautious is good.
Seems my case is quite known in general in the hospital as even this cardiologist had said, ohhh you are the guy... I heard about your case....
Once again I seem not to be normal, and regular checkboxes do not apply.
Must be my Melaleuca Vitamins, Glissandra anti-aging skin care, triple ripple nutrition shakes, and overall healthy lifestyle!
Now, on to the stress test.
Smashed it! Chatting with the tech the whole way including once i had to break into a run...
Got to 106% of my target heart rate ON 100mg of metropolol. Heart rate never missed a beat, never had an extra beat, nothing.. blood pressure normal, normal, normal... then super low.... I suggested it was due to strange way I needed to hold my arm as was at a full run and with sternum not healed had pain in trying to hold on with one arm etc... they ignored the idea it may have been a false reading... totally normal on reading taken the second I got off the treadmill.
Go figure, they are the experts.
Again everyone looking on in curiosity at this 5 weeks ago heart surgery patient that stress tested 12 minutes and 22 seconds and hit 106% of target heart rate on metropolol...
Only had to stop as the NO HILLS rule has my leg muscles turned to mush so I could only run for a few minutes before I felt power down in my mushy legs. Heart was fine and ready to keep going!
VERY surprising to me to get to 160bpm 5 weeks after surgery... Great for confidence that I can't break this plastic bit that is now a part of me!
NO palpitations even after a 5km walking WITH HILLS day the day before yesterday, and stress test AND walking home from hospital yesterday. I did take it rather easy all afternoon and evening yesterday as I was quite tired to say the least :)
Feeling good, still living with a bit of trepidation that something strange will suddenly show up as a setback... Day by day the confidence it will not grows.
Recovery going well I think. Walking a lot. Friends dropping by, bringing food, taking me for walks, listening to me ramble has been amazing and I appreciate you all so much.
Friday I do my first Cardiac Rehab step, which I can't wait for. To be with the care team who has the experience on where I should be, what I should be doing, how much can i do.... going to be fantastic.
Felt a bit stuck the past few weeks, just doing my thing my way with little supervision....
Still get the odd palpitation or racing heart or lubdub kinda thing, but very seldom and gone very quickly, and nowhere as intense as the 150bpm I used to get.
I have been Palpitation Jackrabbit heart free for 3 full days now.... being a bit more careful about eating then walking, and spacing the two activities out now..
won't say there are not times I feel on the verge of them, but so far they haven't come back.
I do feel this incredibly heavy loud heartbeat. Nurse assures me this is normal and nothing but being hypersensitive to the sound.
I am not so sure I agree as swear I can see it moving my upper body when sitting in a chair.
Anyway, minor and not an issue so I am sure with time it too will fade.
2.5 weeks after surgery and I certainly didn't expect to feel this good or be able to do this much.
The nurse told me my 2 km walks were a bit too excessive and to dial them back a bit for a while. So much for her instructions of walk as much as you can which she gave me when I left the hospital...
It can get confusing when you don't seem to fit the mold and nobody can tell you exactly how much exercise to do.... they say listen to your body... I did and stopped at 2km even though body was good to go more, now that is too much..
I just am not good at this being a patient thing.
But doing excellent regardless, just can't wait for sternum healing to be complete and heart to be fully settled in so I can be fully back to regular life.
Day 12 (not including operation day, had things messed up a touch :) - Managed to work a few hours in the morning, felt only a little blip of a palpitation before I woke up... a good friend came to visit, felt really good, we went out for a bite to eat close by and a short walk after dinner, thought I was doing great, no palpitations...
BAM!!!!!! 9pm to 3am 110 to 140 crazy heart again....
Started to worry its ok to stay in that state so long! Called doc he said it is but if uncomfortable to go to hospital and they can take you out. Let it go naturally.
Day 13 - Felt great though a little sleepy all morning and managed to get a good productive day in helping clients.
I am starting to wonder if palpitations are related to a few things... firstly a big meal, as my appetite has shrunk, when I do really eat a lot (nowhere what I ate Pre-Op) I seem to get heavy palpitations, and secondly maybe pushing on exercise too much...
Discussed with doctor he suggested taking my metropolol to 100mg 10 am morning 50 mg 4pm and 50 mg 10pm, suggesting easier for heart to stay out of palpitations than to get out once in.
I coupled that with NOT eating to much,, but appropriate amount this day, AND giving 1 hour break from eating to walk. I also dialed back my walk just a bit (hard to do as feels like backwards, but wanna know!)
Some very good friends came by today to babysit me from 3 to 6, and they brought my favourite, chinese soup buns and pea tips. I ate an appropriate amount without overstuffing.
We then chatted for about an hour to let things settle before going for a walk on the seawall, slowly and little shorter than the day before.
Upon coming home I did not just flop in my recliner like I had done previously, but rather walked around the house and sat on the sofa more upright and alternated sitting with walking thinking letting my heart cool down more evenly may help avoid palpitations.
7pm..... BAM!!!! Just kidding... heavy thump thump, not feeling 100% stable, but did not fall off into palpitations...
9pm.... Sleepy... trying NOT to go to bed to early as don't want to wake up at 5am... palpitation free...
11pm... fell asleep on the couch... palpitation free..
12am.. moved to the bed... palpitation free...
a bit of a fitful sleep, but 9:30am I finally got up... Palpitation free.
Now I won't go on to say I have it licked... Today will help to evaluate.... but I may have found a few things that help to keep me more stable and keep them at bay... thought I would share in case what I think I have learned can help anyone else out there as palpitations and irregular racing crazy heart just plain SUCKS!
Well they all say there will be good days and bad..
Day 6 post op... Checked out of hospital on Tylenol only... Walked to pharmacy (less than a block) to pick up meds as felt great!
Day7 post op.. Walked about 1km with a friend quite slowly and felt like superman! Stopped for small bite at restaurant next door to my house.. This is easy..
Day 8 ... Walked about 1.5 km stopped by again for appy.. Thinking this recovery is a snap!
Day 9... Walked about 2 km.. Had a bowl of soup, feeling great! ... Then ... Boom! Super afib crazy heart... Checked into Emergency after doctor did ECG and heart rate was 130. Everybody said no worries it's normal part of healing an irritated heart and not something you die from and very fixable so no worries!
Went to Emergency they put me on magnesium and some drug I forget the name of saying if that didn't work they would shock me back.. Fortunately it worked.
Went home exhausted and full of IV holes but confident it was behind me but certainly no longer superman and this is going to easy feeling..
Day 10 .. Much shorter walk back to first day home level. Low energy but feels so good to walk. Later that afternoon.. Hello crazy heart.. Lub dub flub dub flip flop race, uneven awful yuck! Fortunately great team at Copeman Medical Clinic there to walk me through it and calm me down that it is normal and as fixed itself eventually after nights metropolol it is likely not Afib again and if it is body is correcting it so it is progress! Doesn't feel like progress!
Slept well on sort of side on sofa.. Woke up with a sore neck but feeling it was the best sleep yet!
Day 11. Little longer walk than yesterday feeling pretty good as palpitations gone for the morning... Had a great bowl of soup, thinking I had it beat.... Boom! Around 2pm Same old racing inconsistent heartbeat again!
More talk with doc and suffering all day and appointment set for the next day for ECG to figure out if back in Afib..
Slept in bed on my side for sure best sleep of night and at least I can still find progress in this mess!
Day 12.. Felt good though apprehensive this morning managed to check emails and work about an hour.. Went to doctor at noon and ECG confirmed no afib! Woohoo! Also said palpitations and all that are irritating but to be expected and had discussion on how to handle metropolol and skip caffeine for a bit in order to try to minimize.
Felt great.. Went home had a walk, came back to rest in my chair... Bam! Here we go again....
Nope... Went away within a few minutes this time..
So far as I write this have had 5 or 6 more episodes, one quite bad and likely due to me working for about 90 min on my computer :(. Even that I got naturally under control.
Frustrating for sure but also seeing daily progress though have to say I can't wait for these darn palpitations to be gone... Really suck!
If you are about to have your surgery, I recommend NOT reading this post. It is honest and graphic on how I felt and what happened. Even though I thought I wanted to know everything I am VERY thankful to friends who have been intubated lying to me!
So here we go..
Wheeled into surgery on Feb 20th, about noon. On Ativan and thank god for that.
Operating room SOOOOOO COLD! as a result all my veins went AWOL.. The young guy I think who was still learning stabbed away saying I think I can I think I can.
The main anesthesiologist finally intervened :) thank you :)
I was then asked in a Joking manner by the very nice team what was my favourite alcohol to drink...
I said Scotch... He said great, let me just run into the other room and get you a shot...
He came back with a tiny brown vial and said its a small one but should do the trick.
And then I woke up.
First thought, Wooohoo I made it.
2nd thought... This breathing tube not so bad.
3rd thought.. I don't feel a lot of pain at all, cool
4th thought... this place sucks.
5th thought... I am thirsty
6th thought... I don't feel all the "tubes" they said I would feel. Cool!
7th thought.. I wish I had earplugs so I didn't have to listen to all the other people moaning.
Then who knows how long after a nurse comes, i think almost right after i opened my eyes and started having thoughts... and starts asking me questions.
I answer..
She doesn't understand. Very odd... Whats wrong with her I thought.
Then the 2nd worst thing I have experienced in my life starts to happen quickly.
They tell me they will remove the tube, and to breath deeply 3 times and then exhale and push or something like that.
Welll choking puking and Seemingly my timing was off or something they finally yank the darn thing out. YUUUUUUUCK.... awful, almost felt like going to die from lack of being able to breath through the process.
Fortunately it was only a few seconds i guess Or less, who knows, I was fricken stoned!
Then ice chips.... who knew they were my favourite thing in the world and would be for the next few hours or however long it was. constantly asked for them... sometimes denied. that ticked me off, only ice chips for goodness sake. never complained as just figured they had their reasons and they had and were keeping me a live so all good.
Funny nurse still seemed to struggle to understand me..
Shift change, and no word of a lie if I do not get a Japanese speaking nurse... of course she also spoke english and i recognized her accent immediately as being Japanese capable... gave me odd comfort..
She seemed to understand me much much better than the last nurse...
I hear a faint, you simply couldn't understand him as he is speaking Japanese. Go figure, for those who do not know me well, I do speak Japanese fluently so this isn't some odd great side effect of being given blood during the operation.
I was much more comfortable now as communication seemed much easier now.
Strange how the world works, what are the chances of a Cardiac ICU nurse being Japanese being assigned to me in Vancouver... AWESOME!
Then HORRIFIC event number 2, the worst thing I have EVER experienced in my entire LIFE happened.
My chest tubes were removed.
I have no idea what they look like or how the heck they attach them all I know was once again I was being asked to count to 3 and on 3 deep breath or something.
NOTE TO EVERYONE: when having open heart surgery, ANY time someone says count to 3 something you really don't want to go through is about to happen!
Don't worry it will be quick, but you likely will NOT like it!
All I can say is anybody who has watched "Once Upon a Time" on TV and seen the evil queen rip out a heart from someones body while they are alive... This was very similar but she ripped something out of my stomach / heart area!
Felt like she reached her hands into my stomach, grabbed on and ripped a whole bunch of paraphernalia out of my stomach, then quickly stitched me up. HORRIBLE, HORRIFIC, YUCK! But fast.
For me I was expecting breathing problems as I had read so much about them, and I immediately in my haze started deep breathing exercises.
Every 4th breath or so I was able to do a full deep breath with minor discomfort and maximum feels awesome and satisfying effect. I was grateful. Seemed the horror stories on breathing may not come my way.
Ice chips
Ice chips
Next thing you know it I see walls zooming by as they were moving me to the regular ward.
Well, it is the day before my surgery. Feeling anxious for sure. The unknown time frame to be able to talk on the phone and answer emails etc. is bothering me, but plan to focus on fastest recovery possible and back to as much normalcy as possible.
My Incision Shield showed up, very cool will be taking it to the hospital to show it off!
My super duper rented recliner set to show monday, so will be ready for me to use when I get back home.
Think I am mostly ready, well as ready as you can be. Still freaked about the tubes and stuff in first stage of recovery, figure I can be a baby till then, but from then on time to focus on just getting back to normal.
Use all my type A skills to be a model patient while in the hospital and out.
Freaked about going to hospital again, but mostly due to the Patient Daycare and prep process as all new and freaky, praying they are as nice and understanding of my phobia as all the fantastic staff were two weeks ago...
Hoping I get through all the yucky bits fine
Hoping I do not wake up beside someone else (another patient) as already know what impact that has on my brain...
Hoping the first eyes I see are Toshiko's...
Eager to get past the first few days which sound rough...
Thats about it... will try to stay adivan free today too, but do feel that lump in my chest bigger than anytime in the past so we will see :)
Will do my 10km walk today for therapeutic benefit, but may skip the hospital visit...
Ok, Tuesday was a Flurry of activity, doctors, nurses, a massively frightening trip to a chest X-Ray, which fortunately Toshiko got me there and back in one piece.
I saw Dr. Ling again and we discussed the surgery, fortunately it is just the anneurism nothing else so that is excellent.
I am now scheduled for surgery 9:30am Feb 20, 2014.
Not near as freaked out about the hospital bit, just have to pray for a private room, and try to stay as best i can in comfortable surroundings and out of hallways with other patients on beds etc, or full of unfamiliar equipment as that seems to seriously trigger things.
Delivered TimBits to both the awesome folks on 5B and those who got me first in the CICU, a small token for all they had to put up with my crazy brain.
Now at home eating the things I wanted to and walking everyday per normal as Dr. Ling encouraged. Of course No heavy lifting, and the Beta Blockers that slow my heart to around 60 bpm seem to really tire me out fast, but all worth it to just get to and through the surgery healthy!
I will keep you all informed as my surgery date draws near.
THANK you to all those at St. Paul's that gave me just that little extra comfort and helped me get through phase one of this amazing adventure and phobia desensitization...
Toshiko has mandated that we go to the hospital EVERY day on our walk and go to the places I will be in order to further desensitize me.
I fought it, but she is right so I succumbed to my first hospital visit today.
Did pretty good, not excellent, but pretty good.
Still hate seeing other patients and medical stuff in hallways, but no walls closing in and I did keep eyes forward to avoid looking into rooms etc.
I slept pretty good last night. Sadly Toshiko did not :(
This morning the morning nurse came in, her name was Aura.
After the stress of yesterday and not yet feeling safe in my new home, I was a touch worried, I chatted with her to let her know my concerns and hospital phobia stuff and she was really great.
As a result of the trust I was building, I was starting to feel safe.
Just then the nurse that was there for only 1 hour the day before who had promised to come by and check on me the next day even if she wasn't my nurse popped in and said Hello.
She told me she was sorry she wasn't my nurse but she had promised to check on me and so there she was, I wish I could remember her name, I will update this entry when I get it.
That also added to my trust and familiarity type of feeling which seems to be what leads to SAFE.
As my CT was finally arranged, Aura asked me if I would like her to accompany me and stay with me during the test. I said if that was OK I would really appreciate it as was quite nervous about the transit through the hospital.
So here I go, I have Aura holding my left hand, and Toshiko holding my right hand, and another fellow pushing the wheelchair going through the hospital...
I am sure there were at least a few folks who thought I was either the luckiest, strangest, or sickest guy in the hospital. I didn't really mind as I felt safe.
My heart rate had to stay at 60 or less, I can tell you even on the medications to keep that, no way i was less than 80 on that stressful journey.
But I can also tell you, Aura was incredible, from my opinion way above and beyond her job to look over little phobia me. The feeling of SAFE was setting in again, for this I am eternally grateful to her.
The CT scan, now THAT was a trip.
I do not have any phobia of the tests or processes that are non invasive so that part was easy, I am also not claustrophobic so it really wasn't a big deal.
The technician was superb in his machine side manner. Calmly walked me through it all.
As the sound of the machine winding up reminded me of fire-walling a Cherokee Warrior small aircraft I used to fly, it just took me right to my happy place.
The radioactive dye was another whole trip... Happy place... hmmmm very unusual sensations.
They first put a test dose in you that is very small to see how long it takes to get through your system to know how to time the pictures. I saw a small blue dot in my 3rd eye...
Then they do it with the full flood of it. The small blue dot had almost disappeared then suddenly it started to grow till it simply exploded across my whole field of view almost like the Northern Lights.
Then I felt the warm rush, odd, but not terribly unpleasant, then I felt nauseous, then I felt normal. All in about 3 seconds.
Bizarre.
I got back to my room, and had a brief encounter with a very funny surgeon. Very preliminary, not much usable info, he joked he had really just come up to see if I was worth operating on and walked off laughing.
I guess I was :)
I expect tomorrow is when they give me the news of the go forward plan.
A friend popped by bringing gifts of Starbucks Coffee, always appreciated, we had a great chat.
Toshiko has gone home to get some much needed and deserved rest. I am solo tonight, and quite confident and feeling SAFE.
Another friend popped by bringing gifts of Ice Cream... man did that taste good! We had a great visit. All the visiting and chatting is so appreciated, keeps my mind off things, and really blows me away how much it helps me to feel normal and happy.
I will see how it goes and hopefully make it through the night without needing to push the magic button.
I expect hospital phobia may not be present, but now the reality of the surgery and the invasive procedure stuff may begin to affect me, staying positive, but not so concerned if it does as that is normal, vs my own feelings about my hospital phobia being abnormal.
Good Night, and thank you to each and everyone who has helped me come this far, I appreciate and love you all.
Cam was great talking me through my anxiety. Very kind and consoling.
As I got my wits about me again, I did a bit more work to try to stay distracted.
I spent the next few hours with unexplained tears and terror coming and going. Ridiculous but couldn't do a thing about it and still determined to get through the normal hospital bit without pills!
Once it is the day before the surgery, I will willingly accept double dosages to keep me sane!
Cam came by once in a while just to make sure I was good, I appreciated that very much.
Toshiko showed up and gave me a big hug and brought home made dinner! Homemade vegetable soup, heart healthy lightly seasoned with with butter and soya sauce ( at least 1/2 as much as normal) then raw vegetables!!! Cucumber and carrots with hommous!
Man was it good to have a taste from home! All the wonderful takeout I have been eating is super, and the odd hospital meal I could endure, but a taste of home... Perfection.
The rest of the evening I just relaxed, the day was tough but I got through it, that felt like progress by the morning, but not so much while I was going through it.
After my panic attack in the night and the help of Kim, I fell peacefully back to sleep..
Woken up to the usual soft and caring , "sorry to wake you, but I have to check you" and it was another Kim.
She also was super kind and little did I know how important she would become in getting me through yet more mental stress regarding my hospital phobia. More on that later...
My good friend and sushi chef stopped by with a Starbucks for me and the most adorable video of his 2.5 year old daughter wishing me well to brighten my day.
Soon after that my dentist who became my friend over the last 21 years popped by for a chat. It was great to catch up and talk about his new found love of scotch, sorry my bad... Got him hooked!
Then Toshiko showed up looking refreshed and stunning for lunch. Then my son showed up with Vietnamese subs for lunch and we had a good chat about exactly what is going on and the risks and all that to ensure he was comfortable. I heard he was surprised I looked totally normal... I am not sick!! I just am going to have these wonderful people fix a mechanical defect!
My other friend then showed up with a second round of Starbucks.
Feeling very good, my visitors all got on with there day and Toshiko decided to go for a walk and take some things back home, and cook some dinner to bring back for me. St. Paul's is great, the food, not so much!
I was just hanging out doing a bit of work when things got turned upside down... At least for a guy with an irrational fears of hospitals!
I was to be moved out of my warm blanket!
Of course this makes sense and I appreciate all that Dr. Ramanathan had done to make my transition into the hospital environment by starting me in that wonderful CICU unit, and had repeatedly said please keep me here as long as you can but of course when the room was needed for someone sicker than me I would go peacefully :)
Seems I do poorly with transitions.. I did pretty good Packing up. As I got done a really nice guy came in to help me with my bags, somehow my brain went crazy as I didn't know him and I began to fret that someone I was not comfortable with yet would be taking me to this other part of the hospital..
I just had to find Kim...
At least that's what was playing out in my strange head. Kim as always was parked right outside my window.
I asked her if it would be ok if she took me to the new room, she replied in her highly comforting voice and a gentle touch (for people with broken brains like me regarding hospitals nothing works better than a touch on the arm or some kind of personal contact) that of course she was going to and she was sorry somehow I didn't know that.
I am 100% sure my non panic mode brain new this, but my irrational one had misplaced this detail that seemed so crucial at that moment.
So all packed up the move began, St. Paul angel Kim in control of the chair..
As we left the familiar cocoon of the CICU my stress level most certainly was spiking but Kim was there tappin my shoulder and poking my ribs and reminding me she was there ( I shared with her Toshiko's techniques) and that I was fine.
As I saw more and more medical beds and stuff in the hallways it got more and more uncomfortable... Kim kept reminding me to focus straight ahead but the hallway just kept going and going and more and more beds and stuff... Walls started to close in... I know what this means and it's not good... Not sure if Kim told me to close my eyes, I think it was her brilliant idea!
I slapped my hand over my eyes and worked hard on breathing and focussing on Kim's tapping and soothing voice..
I made it in one piece, feeling like a total moron for not being able to handle it better...but made it.
Kim stayed with me until I got into my new environment and until I had got comfortable with my new nurse.
Man I just feel sorry for the nurses that draw the irrational fear patient Dennis card!
The new nurse was very nice, I just kept wanting my old familiar ones back!
I settled into my new room fired up my sling box and watched a bit of TV and took a nap, I was exhausted by the stress.
When I woke up, I heard someone moving around a bunch of stuff in the area of the empty bed beside me, and for some reason that set me off into another bout of unexplained crying. The night nurse Cam came in asking if I was ok.. Seems you have no secrets when you have a full time heart monitor.
Gotta run to CT now will finish later he says as his heart jumps into his brain!!!
Ok so Friday night Toshiko stayed with me which helped huge in keeping me out of panic, sadly great for me very tough for her. She didn't sleep much, on the other hand I got a full 6 hours and 45 minutes, more than any night since my diagnosis.
It makes me feel so loved at her sacrifice to look after my irrational butt, but sad to see her look so warn down.
It gave me a boost to beat this irrational crap so I took a wander outside my room....oops!
For a guy who they want his heartbeat to stay low as a precautionary measure, my fairly instant panic as I looked around and saw some other patients and all the unfamiliar stuff, spiked my heartbeat and freaked me out, not enough to bolt for the door but to calmly turn around and take the 6 steps back into the safety of my room and Toshiko.
As the heart monitor faces the windowed wall of the room for the nurses to see, I saw 96 from my normal 70 or so on the monitor. This was 3 seconds at most!
Ok so we are net quite there yet..
I shared with Toshiko and her response was awesome, she told me it is huge progress and that rather than going blank and losing time I had made it back to my room where i felt safe, which she reminded me is a hospital room!
Progress!
So I got some bad news today, turns out they can not do the type of CT scan I need on a Saturday I am told by Anke my day nurse (hand picked for me by Suzy, Suzy had told me the night before), and I will be hanging out till Monday as a result.
Yesterday I would have been so disappointed to hear I have to spend a weekend in the hospital waiting, strangely, I found myself feeling more anxious they were going to tell me to go home to my hyperactive brain for a few days.
This could still happen on Monday, but either way I can deal, but just had to confess to you all that I was actually pleased and felt safe to be able to stay put. Transitions from place to place seem to set me off.
Today Dr. Moss stopped by with an intern as this is a teaching hospital. The poor girl had been up all night seemed exhausted and had a hard time focused. Dr. Moss is who you want as a teacher, he was very patient but firm in coaxing answers from her and understanding where she was at after a 12 hour shift.
So being that I am not sick, simply have this darned mechanical defect, I really wanted a shower, of course I figured this was totally normal... So I asked Anka..
Her puzzled face was curious.... I realized at that moment just how abnormal someone being 59 mm and perfectly healthy must be, this is not a ward where many can take showers, I am pretty much the luckiest dude in the ward.
She brought the Saran Wrap to wrap my arm.
Toshiko and I headed out of the room, my eyes firmly fixed on Toshiko as we walked, NOT lookin around! Slowly learning to cope.
While it was hard to shower with a Saran wrapped arm, it was wonderful, we had brought some l'occitane bath products we had pilfered from our hotel stay in Japan last week!
Refreshed, bring on the visitors.
I asked permission on if it was ok to have coffee, as I was on beta blockers to keep my heart rate low, so didn't want to undo it with a Starbucks tall dark.. Got permission... YES!
A friend showed up with a Grande Dark, ooh comforts of home and reassurance I am NOT SICK!
Had a nice chat, and another friend showed up, who also happens to be my lawyer, and we got some pesky paperwork out of the way.
Had a great chat with a friend from high school who has very recently gone through his own personal medical trauma that makes mine look like a cakewalk! Wishing him a speedy recovery and note to self, reach out to friends more often, you never know when they just may be gone if you don't make the effort!
Then got a call from another friend who runs a good chunk of the ambulances in the Fraser valley, again so nice to catch up.
Sent Toshiko away to walk to Stanley park and play with the squirrels, and go home take a bath and get some sleep!
Worked for a few hours, felt good and made thins seem more normal.. Felt like working in an odd hospital themed hotel room with the most amazing service and health checks you could imagine...
Every few hours temperature, blood pressure pulse in wrists, ankle swelling check.
I pass these tests time after time with flying colors!
One of my best friends popped by with a few concerned customers in tow. Not just normal customers, but customers who have become friends over the years.
It was nice to talk business as again felt normal. Everybody comments on the gizmos and gadgets behind me as they sadly have to look at them.. I choose to keep them at my back thanks!
Dinner showed up... This hotel has pretty bad food, but fortunately I am blessed with really great friends!
My buddy showed up with a ball of tinfoil... And inside was... Beef Wellington from Bin 49. Wohoooo better than normal! He also brought a bottle of wine. NO I did not partake, I was reminded rather firmly when I asked Anke, though I am not sick, only a mechanical defect, and it would have no impact on my condition, I am after all still in an ICU. Agreed and absolutely OK to follow the direction of all my St. Paul's Angels!
Hahah I know nobody in my world believes I can follow directions, but this is likely where my irrational fear of hospitals should maybe not ever leave me completely, seems to keep me obedient.
A new fear has become not being in the hospital but doing something to warrant a nurse to think badly of me!
Another buddy showed up, sushi rolls, wooohoooo I am gonna get fat if this keeps up! Note to everyone, eat out a lot and make friends with the sushi chef, or any chef, pays off at heart surgery time!
I was marginally concerned my friend who brought the beef Wellington would feel a bit put out that another friend showed up, but I should know better...
As friend 2 sat down, friend 1 exclaims, "Awesome, Substitute Drinker!"
My IV that is stuck in my arm just I case got itchy... Concerning to me as I haven't ever had any of this done to me so I asked Kim about it, she said she could flush it...
Sounded scary to me, so I declined at first and just took off the sleeve over it...
Didn't help...
Asked for the flush, fearful I would feel like stuff being pushed into my veins and a bit creeped out by it... Opted to lay in bed for this, lying down better than falling down..
What a dork I am. Felt nothing but a slight cooling sensation... Nothing like the poke and wiggle of an 18 gauge IV being inserted!!!
Another experience cleared with my hyperactive brain, another thing reinforced that my brain has really blown all the procedural type stuff way out of proportion!
In all seriousness the support and concern of my friends has me feeling truly blessed and wondering what I have done to deserve such fantastic friends. It can be overwhelming.
Also not trying to be impersonal but do not want to use names unless my friends have been given fair warning, and agreed they are ok with it.
In the end about as good a night as you can have in an ICU!
Once they left the alone time was a touch disturbing. Over active brain tried to come back, Television was the medicine of choice, perfectly distracting!
Slight setback... 4:30am came and I woke up a bit overwhelmed. Crying like a fool for no reason, set in panic that it will raise heart rate, and no tissues... Felt like a moron... Pushed the magic button.. Hate pushing that button, there are truly sick folks here... Kim came in..
Reassured me... Comforted me.. Told me I am normal.. Told me I am fine... Spent a long time listening to me and stroking my arm like a concerned mother.
I managed to get back to sleep and was woken up by a very apologetic morning nurse also named Kim to take my vitals etc.
I think I can say so far my experience of St. Pauls has been like being wrapped in a warm blanket..
Thank you once again for all friends family and staff of St. Paul's for keepin me from going crazy and making me feel safe.
People, people people, the comfort comes from the people.
Suzy a Vietnamese heritage Australian nurse was hand picked for me by my new friend Harold as my night nurse on Friday. Her smile just made you feel all was well, her energy was just fantastic and she took the time to listen to my insane panic ramblings enough to let me gain comfort. Super strange but the more I talk the more I seem to lose stress over all this.
Poor Suzy, she listened and listened and listened, and in the process educated me and made me feel very comfortable. She explained Adavan and how should I continue to panic it could help. Strangely just her taking the time to chat and make me feel human was enough to keep my irrational fears in check.
I am sure Toshiko thought me a goof for my hyper speed oversharing of all the garbage in my brain and emotions.
Harold came by on his way home just to say hi and make sure the nurses were treating me well and that I was OK and that he wouldn't be back till Tuesday. This simple gesture was strangely comforting... Made me feel human and like I had friends.
I truly was expecting to feel like a piece of meat, but I feel human and cared for... Unexpected and comfortable.
Once again, I can not express my gratitude enough so far for the amazing staff at the CICU of St. Paul's.
For those who do not know me, I suffer from a totally irrational fear of hospitals... Not death, not blood and gore, HOSPITALS!!
So.. You can imagine the news was overwhelming... Without Toshiko by my side squeezing my hand I think I just would have died right there and saved them the hassle..
I decided to try to be as honest and truthful with this "stupid" fear and make sure these very kind staff I had encountered so far knew and if there was anyway to mitigate this, take that route.
I can not say enough about Dr. Ramanathan and his extra special preparations he made for me!
I also can not say enough about Toshiko who much like Caesar Milan the dog whisperer has become Toshiko the Dennis whisperer and quickly worked out what sets me off in a hospital.
When she sees me starting to fidget and eyes dart around checking out what is going on around me, she just pokes me in the ribs and gives me a sharp shhhht and I get my brain jolted back to non insanity... Amazing
Now Dr. Ramanathan, rather than make me check in through emergency he had me go back to his office and wait until a room was ready. He then essentially took me by the hand and personally walked me to the room he had set up for me in the CICU. He has the kindest most caring and soothing voice as he asked me a bunch of questions about me, keeping me comfortable and sane.
He then handed me off to Harold and his team who Dr. Ramanathan had obviously prepped on my irrational fears.
Make no mistake, through all of this Toshiko did not complain once that she couldn't feel her hand anymore I had been squeezing it so hard!
Between Howard's comforting and humerous manner and Donay my assigned Nurse (if I got her name wrong I am sorry I was still at this point not even 1/4 in my right mind) I was slowly introduced to my room.
The wall behind the bed full of stuff I guess I will need AFTER the surgery. Panic tries to set in, Sssshhhhht poke... We are good
The nurses took time to talk to me in and amongst all the paperwork and history making me feel anything but the piece of broken meat I was expecting to feel like. If anything I almost felt like a VIP ( no I do not mean like a very insane person)
They made it clear that stress is my enemy in my condition and that there is nothing wrong with requesting a medical intervention and the pharmacist is excellent!
Though that even sounds fun, I have taken it upon myself to just get over tis irrational phobia and so far have not needed any calming intervention!
The night nurse came in, I will get her name today, a ball of energy to match mine, and super caring. Really made me continue to feel that I was going to be ok.
All this talk of ok, lets not get it wrong, try as they might not one of these amazing folks could hide the concern/surprise in there eyes as they heard this magic number 59 as in mm diameter of my aortic valve..
That coupled with the PHOBIA and worry I am not 100% mentally ok as a result has caused many to ask repeatedly if I truly do feel well or I am just not telling them.
I have explained carefully to all my excellent caregivers that my condition is not sick, but rather just a mechanical issue that I really need their assistance fixing.
It is very hard not to feel "sick" in my situation, but please understand I am 100% asymtomatic, especially now I am in the hospital. The symptoms my brain manifested as soon as I researched my true aortic valve aneurism all went away as my comfort and trust in the hospital and caregivers grew.
I slept like a baby last night... Well as good as you can with heart rate monitors stuck all over you and an 18 guage IV jammed in my arm for the "Just in case" event.
So after the shock and awe, I was told I have an aortic aneurism and my aortic was 59 mm whereas a. Normal person is around 38mm.. Time to fix it is 50mm..
I had an appointment today to see what is up and what is next.
Figured out by 11am finish up some work then Martinis and Steak at Gothams at 7...
So the best course of action for you is to check in today... Go get some things and be back here at 3pm...
I am from: Vancouver, Canada
