Michelle's Journal

Tomorrow my daughter will be graduating from Texas A&M University. I am so proud of her accomplishments and the fact that she never gave up on her dream of becoming an Aggie! Last year when I was diagnosed with severe Mitral Valve Prolapse I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to see my child walk that stage but I knew that I had to do whatever it took to get where I am today. I am so thankful that my surgery was successful and that I will watch my girl cross the stage tomorrow to get her diploma. To all of you facing open heart surgery all I can say is to stay strong, focus on those goals that you still want to achieve and never give up. Whoop!

l haven\'t posted in my journal in over a month so I thought it was time. This weekend marks the anniversary of the worst year I ever had. Last Labor Day my journey began with a large pleural effusion in my right lung. I had no idea what that was, I only knew I couldn\'t breathe and when I tried to breathe I experienced the most intense stabbing pain on my right side. Thus began the rounds of doctor visits, hospitalizations and surgery. We were so scared that I had lung cancer but tests showed that I somehow contracted a viral infection like pneumonia. I had no symptoms of pneumonia but was grateful I didn\'t have cancer. But the 1500 cc of fluid that was drained from my lung returned a short week later. Then came the Pleurodesis surgery which included a biopsy, talc placed into my lung cavity to seal my lung to the walls of the cavity plus insertion of an 18\" long tube to drain out the fluid for the next 16 days. During this process I accidentally discovered (by reading results of my CT scan) that I had an aneurysm on my Aortic arch. I promptly called my Cardiologist to ask if he was aware of this and was shocked to learn not only was he aware of it, he had been monitoring it for the last several years unbeknownst to me. He told me he did not think it was an aneurysm but scar tissue as a result from the heart repair I had when I was younger. Well, I wanted to clarify just what it was. I didn\'t want to think I had a ticking time bomb in my chest. I went in for an echo cardiogram to check the \"aneurysm\" and to my relief the doctor said again he didn\'t think that\'s what it was. However, my Mitral Valve Prolapse that I knew I had for 20+ years had become severe. So severe in fact, that I needed surgery to repair it or I wouldn\'t in his approximation live more than five more years. Needless to say, my husband and I went into shock. We were taken by surprise and had just survived the scare of possible lung cancer. Fast forward past many other tests and procedures to March 20th. The day that I was going to have surgery to either repair or replace my Mitral Valve. Fortunately I was able to have a successful repair and also a chance at a much longer life. Thus began my recovery and decision to \"retire\" early from a 21 year career in education. I miss my co-workers who had become dear friends and my support system through all of this, but I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to choose to do something different. For now, I haven\'t decided exactly what lies ahead but am grateful that I am still here to watch over my children and have many more happy years with my husband. I\'m looking forward to my daughter\'s graduation in December from Texas A&M, my son\'s new house he is building and hopefully weddings and grandchildren to follow. While this past year was really rough on us all, it gave us a new perspective on what it means to live each day to its fullest and appreciate your loved ones even more. I thank my fellow heart patients for understanding what I was going through and your endless support and encouragement at a time when I so desperately needed it. Hugs to you all, Michelle

I just returned from a week long trip to Hawaii. My husband, two children and their significant others traveled to the Big Island. We stayed in a wonderful house on be coastline in Hilo. During our stay I celebrated my 4 month anniversary since my surgery. We swam (snorkeled) with Manta Rays, flew over water falls and the volcano in a helicopter and hiked 4 miles down and back up from the crater floor. I was worried I wouldn\'t be able to keep up with my family but to my surprise I did fairly well. I had to stop and catch my breath a few times during the hikes, but other than that I was amazed at how well I felt. Those of you just in the weeks after surgery hang in there, it does get better. Get out and exercise, go to cardiac rehab and talk to your loved ones when you feel down. Take care, Michelle

I\'ve been having problems with my right shoulder on and off since surgery. Well it\'s acting up again. I guess I over did it cleaning house. I can barely left it up to shoulder height and the pain kept me up most of the night. Every time I think I\'m on the mend something like this happens. My husband keeps telling me to be patient, which isn\'t really my style. The surgery is behind me and I want the recovery to be behind me as well. It\'s been 14 weeks as of this week but my body doesn\'t seem to care. It keeps reminding me that I have to be patient and not do so much. The problem is that I feel good then I do too much without realizing it until later. My Cardiologist tells me I\'m doing great and I can go running or hiking if I want. Ha, if he only knew how much I want to but I guess I need to relearn how far I can walk before I can run. On another note, I\'m so happy to read about the progress of my fellow heart surgery pals on this site. Let\'s all keeping doing well. Hugs, Michelle

Yesterday was the day I was looking forward to and yet dreading at the same time. I would be having a follow-up echo to see how my repair was holding up and seeing my Cardiologist. While the technician was completing the echo I was watching the screen intently. I have learned to understand the sounds and colors that are shown on the screen. I already knew the news before the doctor told me. While I no longer have any regurgitation, I have a very slight prolapse. In fact its barely recognizable. As he walked me into another room to show me the echo results I hesitated and when he looked back at me, I replied that the last time I was brought into this room, I was told that I had less than six years to live due to the severity of my prolapse and regurgitation. I told him that it was the \"bad news\" room. He laughed and said \"let\'s make it good news today.\" He then went on to show me the results and then he let me listen with my own stethoscope so I could recognize how different my heart sounds now. I told him that at times I have to stop whatever I may be doing and turn any noise down so I can focus on listening to my heart. I can barely feel it now and can\'t believe how it used to practically pound out of my chest. I was thrilled to be taken off the Amiodarone. One down, three more to go. I do have a question to ask of my fellow HVR\'s. Has anyone been told that their blood work has shown concerns regarding being anemic? I feel fine, plus I am tired of being picked and prodded. I was just curious if anyone else had this happen to them. Take care everyone, Michelle W

I find it hard to believe that ten weeks ago today I was getting ready to move from the OR into ICU. I have started to regain my strength but still tire easily if I do too much. The floaters in my eyes are almost non-existent now. I would say that my cognitive skills and memory are improving and I don't think I repeat myself as much as I did before. I still struggle to get words out sometimes when I am tired but I don't let it bother me. If that's all I have to deal with I am in good shape. In two more days all of my restrictions will be lifted. I have to admit though that I have lifted more than 5 lbs at times. Usually during Spring Break when I have off I replant my flowers, but this year I was getting ready for surgery and had absolutely no energy to do anything. So yesterday after rehab I was feeling pretty good and strong and I decided to finish my planting. Well stupid me lifted the heavy bag of potting soil and one of the heavy pots and I am paying for it today. My left shoulder feels like I tore a ligament and it is killing me. My plants and pots look really good though. Thanks to all my family and friends who continue to check on me. I love you all dearly. Having gone through this surgery and been given a second chance at a long life, I try to tell all my friends and family that I love them each and every time they are around. You just never know what can happen and what day may be your last. I have found myself questioning what I want to do with the rest of my life and trying to decide if I want to return to my job and the enormous amount of stress that comes with it. Of course, I still have not been released to return to work yet. I meet with my Cardiologist on June 11th for an Echo and evaluation. That will really be my deciding factor. Well, my shoulder is throbbing so that is all for today. Hugs to you all, Michelle

Celebrating Mother\'s Day with my kids today was much more special than all the other ones in the past. To begin, both my children gave me the sweetest cards thanking me for going through my surgery so I could be here with them today. Had to hold back tears as I read them. Secondly, I realized I made the right decision in having the surgery, no matter the pain, absolute terror and feelings that I might not live to see this day. I hope to be around for a long, long time and see them married and having my grandchildren. Love to you both.

Ever since my surgery almost seven weeks ago I have considered my heart fixed and that I will go on to have a long life. At the end of last week a letter arrived for me with a card containing the information of my annuloplasty ring. The letter stated that I should carry the card with me for medical purposes. I had totally forgotten about the ring implant and had to ask my husband why I had received this letter. He told me what it was for and I admitted that for some reason I had totally blocked that fact from my memory. Now all I can think about is what if something happens to that ring or it gets recalled? I know that they are irrational thoughts but I have them nonetheless. I keep trying to go back to my happy state of bliss but so far I keep perseverating on that damn ring in my heart. On another note, I started cardiac rehab yesterday. I guess I wanted to prove to the physical therapist that I could do all the exercises she gave me. The session lasted for an hour and I completed all the exercises. I came home, ate lunch and went to take a short nap which ended up lasting three hours. Today I am still pretty tired. I hadn\'t really realized just how much farther I have to go to build up my endurance. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a Type-A perfectionist and know that I strive to be the best at everything I do. Not being in control of how fast I heal is quite frustrating for me. Knowing that it can take almost a year to heal from a surgery like mine isn\'t comforting me. I just needed to vent today and hopefully doing so will help me feel better.

It\'s hard to believe that six weeks ago today at this time I was having my heart repaired. I am feeling really good and will start cardiac rehab next week. I went for my cardiac evaluation yesterday and was able to walk steadily for six minutes without stopping. I would never have been able to do that just prior to my surgery. I am eternally grateful to my surgeon for giving me a second chance at life, for if it wasn\'t for him and his surgical skills I may not be where I am today. It\'s remarkable to me that I have this overwhelming sense of calm now. Don\'t get me wrong, I still get emotional easily and irritated at times, but for the most part the little things that might have bothered me before don\'t bother me anymore. I appreciate each day so much more than I think I did before surgery. I have been given a new lease on life and I am determined to make the most of it.

I can\'t believe today has been four weeks since my surgery. We met with my surgeon yesterday and he said everything went much better than even he thought it was going to. My very loud heart murmur that I have had since birth can barely be heard now. He released me back into the care of my Cardiologist and my shoulder and sternum pain are manageable as long as I don\'t over do it. I still can\'t drive until I am off pain meds and all restrictions will be lifted at the end of May. Thank you to all my friends, loved ones and new friends I met on this site for the prayers and positive thoughts. I could not have gone through this difficult surgery without you all.

I just passed the three week post-op mark and was amazed at how well I was healing. Guess I should have waited longer before celebrating. While my shoulder hurt some in the hospital, it is nothing compared to the pain I have had the last several days. It hurts so much that I can't do much but sit on the couch with my heating pad and can barely sleep at night. I contacted my doctors office and was told that the pain is probably due to the way I was positioned during surgery. The nurse said to continue the pain meds (just when I was cutting back), alternate heat and cold and take it easy. Has anyone else had this problem? I'm really upset that this pain has started just when I was starting to really feel good. :( Michelle

My first post-operative meeting went well today. I\'m having a lot of floaters in my eyes but the doctor said some patients experience them too. He just wanted to know if they begin getting progressively worse. I have lost almost all of the 20 lbs of water weight I put on after surgery and my vision problems are getting much better. I had my stitches removed where the drain tubes were placed and discussed my back, neck and chest pain. The conclusion was that the pain is probably due to over-exertion on my part. My husband is constantly reminding me not to lift my arms too high and to quit over-extending my arms. I am able to get in and out of bed on my own and sleeping well. I rested a lot yesterday when we returned home from the appointment and today as well. I cried for the first time last night since the surgery. I think I finally let myself realize that I survived and the surgery was a success. The waiting for surgery was so much worse than the recovery has been. For all of you still waiting for your surgery, I would recommend getting it over with as soon as possible, no matter how scared you may be. I wish I wouldn\'t have waited as long as I did. Blessings to you all. Michelle

We went to the Hospital on March 20, where my surgery was scheduled at 7:30 that morning. Out kids accompanied us and our good friends, the Lee's met us there along with my step-dad. They hospital staff took me back very quickly and said I could only bring one person back in the holding room. I hugged and cried and kissed everyone for as long as I could. Finally we made it back to the pre-op room where we were surprised that our kids could come back too. After all the I.V. lines were hooked up and my good drugs were given to me my family then had to leave. I hugged both of my children and told them again how much I loved them and I was proud of them and that I would see them in a few hours. Once I was moved into ICU I awoke almost immediately and wanted the intubation tube out. I was restrained and couldn't speak. The doctor decided to give me a strong dose of proprofol and I crashed out almost immediately but woke up 10 minutes later. They gave me a second dose with the same reactions. They tried CVAP machine to make sure I could breath after taking out the tube. I was finally stabilized and the tubes were pulled and I then I could eat all the best ice chips I wanted.

It\'s hard to believe that I was still in real denial about the surgery up to the last minute. The day of surgery I was very calm and cried a bit as I has to say goodbye to my husband and kids. I awoke many hours later in ICU with the intubation tube still in place and my hands restrained. I was unable to speak around the tube and became very panicked. I was told that the staff tried twice to put me under to no avail. My husband located a white board and pen for us to communicate with and I wrote that he better get this tube out. He was worried I wouldn\'t be able to breathe without it and I assured him that I would. Finally, after it seemed like hours later, they pulled the tube out. The next day went pretty well so they decided to move me out of ICU and into a private room. More about the next few days to come....

Michelle is off the bypass, the repair looks good. We didn\'t have to have a replacement. No leaks, closing up will take about an hour or more. Thanks for all the support!!! Will keep everybody updated!

Michelle was taken back to the OR at 7:30 am. She completed Pre-op with her family present. She will be in the OR completing the secondary Pre-op steps and the surgery to start at 9:00 am. We will up date later this afternoon.

I thought I would be really on edge and freaking out with only two days left prior to heading to the hospital on the 20th. Karl is taking off on Tuesday to hang-out with me. I think he\'s just afraid I may change my mind and bolt. Whatever may happen, I am ready to get the whole thing over with and start the healing process. Thank you to all my friends and family for the cards and phone calls. They have meant so much to me. My kids will keep my journal up to date until I can get back to doing it. Hugs, Michelle

Karl and I met with Dr. Sako and his staff today to discuss my surgery next week. Had to have an EKG, chest x-ray, blood work, etc. I have to apply an ointment in my nose for five days prior to the surgery to prevent bacteria. Can\'t wait to start that! The sense of peace I thought had obtained promptly left as soon as we started discussing the surgery. The doctor is very calm and answered all of our questions, some probably for the third time. Our nerves are very frayed thinking about it all. Eight more days and then it will all be over.

I am wide awake at 5:30 a.m. and thinking that in just twelve days I will be reporting to the hospital for my surgery. I am eternally grateful for everyone who has left me messages of support. I think I am finally getting it through my thick skull, that if all of you who have had OHS have survived and feel much better, then I can do it as well. As I lay here I am somewhat excited that \"the big day\" will be here soon and all of the panic and worry will be behind me. I can focus on recovery and rehab and feeling better. Every time I have to stop walking to take in a deep breath I tell myself that soon I will no longer have to do that. I will be able to walk further and longer and not be gasping for air. Much love to you all, Michelle

I am beginning the countdown process to the \"big day\" that I am praying will change my life for the better and give me many more years with my family. I had a sort of panic attack on Saturday night. My husband and I had just goofed around most of the day playing Wii games and watching movies. He fell asleep with his head in my lap while we were watching one movie and I just started thinking of everything we have accomplished together; our children; our careers and started crying. I tried to be quiet so I wouldn\'t wake him but I did and just started hyperventilating. I was so scared at that moment just thinking about all that we have built together and how much I love this man that I told him I couldn\'t go through with the surgery. I said we will just take whatever time I have left and enjoy each other. Eventually he calmed me down and made me see that I have to have the surgery and take the risk that everything will be fine. I am just so angry that this health crisis has come at a time when everything else in our lives is wonderful. It just sucks! I hate hospitals and needles and pain. I know that no one is ever excited about a hospital stay, except maybe when delivering your child. In that case though, you get a wonderful present for all that you go through. I just hope that in this case, I get the wonderful gift of a healed and repaired heart that will allow me to have more time with my family.

This past Saturday, my husband and I were attending yet another rodeo performance and after it was over, we decided to walk around the grounds and look at what the vendors were selling. As we walked by, a woman called out to me to come over so she could clean my boots with the product she was selling. I went over and she used the product on my boots and they looked great. I wasn\'t sure if I wanted to buy the product so I told her we were going to walk around and I would think about it. After walking down a few more aisles I told my husband I wanted to go back and buy the product. Did I really need it? No, but something made me decide that I did. So we went back to her booth and bought the product and she thanked us and we were on our way. As we sat down an hour or so later to watch the evening rodeo performance, I pulled out the paper she had placed in the bag with the product. On the front side was information about the product and on the back side was a message that spoke to me. It began by saying that \"Our lives are like our boots and shoes. They get messed up now and then. Even after a good cleaning scuffs and stains are left on us. Disappointment, rejection, unforgiveness and bitterness. We all have them.\" Then it read \"You should know that if you are reading this it is no accident. What you might not know is that Jesus offers you eternal life. He looks into your heart and sees stains, that no matter how hard you tried, you could not wash away. Only Jesus can do the deep cleaning. The Bible tells us in Ezekiel 36.26 that God will scrub you clean. He will give you a new heart.\" It went on to list a prayer that I might begin saying. I believe that things happen for a reason and people enter our lives for a reason. I believe that while I might not have needed a cleaner for my boots, I needed to read the note that was put into my bag. I need to let go of my fears and worry and let God and my doctors give me a new heart.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 26th wedding Anniversary. I took the time to reflect on all our years together and I am so very lucky to have married my best friend. We have been there for each other, no matter what surprises have awaited us during our 29 years together. He has been there for me in sickness and in health and I know he is scared regarding my upcoming surgery. I feel so bad for having to put him and our children through this. They have all been so supportive and I am so grateful that they are in my life. I am also blessed to have so many friends and family supporting us during this stressful time. I am also grateful for finding this site and having support and encouragement from others who have been where I am or who are currently going through surgery. I am 33 days away from surgery and am trying my best to just let go and put myself in the hands of my surgeon and God. I\'m not afraid of dying but I am not ready. I want many more years with everyone and I just pray that this surgery will give me that. Love to all, Michelle

Last night I was at our local rodeo and livestock show with my husband, daughter and her best friend. This is something I look forward to attending every year, but this time I found myself really taking note of the sounds, smells, people around me and the performance. In the back of my mind, I was thinking \"what if?\" What if this the last time I get to come? What if this is the last time I\'m here with my family? I don\'t know about others who have gone through this process before me, but when you\'re told that you have to have a major surgery or you will die and then you think \"well hell, I can die on the table too.\" I literally spent weeks contemplating not having the surgery and just taking whatever time I have left to spend with my family and friends. Honestly, even though I have picked a date for surgery, I am still contemplating not going through with it. I\'m just terrified of either choice I make.

Yesterday, Karl and I met with Dr. Edward Sako and after reviewing my records and our concerns with him we felt confident that he is the surgeon we were looking for. He stated that he feels I am a good candidate for a repair and if he simply cannot make a repair work we discussed replacement valves. After much consideration I decided I want a tissue valve. I understand that mechanical valves probably last longer but I do not want to be on blood thinning medication nor have to have monthly blood checks for the rest of my life. I\'m hopeful that the repair works and I don\'t even have to worry about a replacement valve. If I do have to have a tissue valve, my hope is that it lasts many years and if it should fail that there will be new technology in place that will make replacement much less invasive. We scheduled a date for surgery, which made me cry. I guess because it makes it real now. As we were leaving the doctors office I turned to Karl and said \"what the hell did I just do?\" March 20th is the date and I have to report to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. The surgery may take anywhere from 6-8 hours and the surgeon may also do a MAZE procedure to eliminate the heart palpitations I have. Has anyone else had this procedure? More information to come as we get closer. Love to all, Michelle

Today Karl and I met with Dr. K and received the news that I did not want to hear. The doctor stated that due to my bilateral leaflets prolapsing from my mitral valve, I would need a valve replacement. He stated that it would be a difficult repair and even if it could be repaired it probably would not last very long. He stated that it is very uncommon to have both leaflets prolapsing. Of course, only I have the uncommon health issues. My ejection fraction was 63% which usually means that any % under 55% shows the heart is not functioning normal due to the amount of blood leaking from the left ventricle. He also stated that since my aortic valve is enlarged he would recommend wrapping it (some new procedure I didn\'t even want to discuss) or thinning it. I have no idea how that is done. This was a surprise to Karl and I since we had not been told it was enlarged. We discussed the different options of a synthetic valve vs. mechanical valve. The mechanical valve would probably last me the rest of my life, granted it doesn\'t become clogged. The downside is that I would have to be on a blood thinner the rest of my life and have regular blood checks. The synthetic valve is normally recommended for individuals who are 65 and over. Since I am only 48 he wouldn\'t recommend that type of valve due to the fact that the lifespan is usually 15 years and then you would need a replacement. He was very nice and did recommend that we get other opinions and gave us some names to contact. When I asked him if the symptoms I am having now would disappear or improve after the surgery he responded that they probably would but he couldn\'t guarantee it. Well, what\'s the point of the surgery then? Just to keep me from getting worse? It has not been a great day. It seems like the bad news just keeps on coming.

Today I have been resting as I am sore from my heart cath yesterday. I think the worst part for me was laying flat on the lab table strapped down and not being able to move. I get claustrophobic in those situations. I almost didn\'t make it having to lay flat again for the six hours afterwards. All my other aches and pains started acting up. But I survived and its behind me now. Today in addition to resting, I have been writing down the questions I want to ask the surgeon I am meeting with tomorrow. He is a pediatric thoracic surgeon. Since I was born with a hole in my heart and had corrective surgery at age 7, I need a pediatric surgeon who is familiar with the type of repair I had and is also experienced with mitral valve repairs. This surgeon comes highly recommended, however I am also getting a second opinion on Feb 5. Many thanks to Aida Bond for emailing me questions that she and her husband Steve used when meeting with Steve\'s surgeon. I will post tomorrow after my meeting to let everyone know how it went. Hugs, Michelle

Today I had my heart catherization and it went well, however I have been at the hospital since noon. You have to arrive over two hours ahead of time to be prepped. Then you are finally moved to the cath lab to get further prepped before you receive your happy drugs. Finally, two hours after the procedure I was moved to a hospital room where I have had to lay flat on my back for five hours. I have one more hour before I have to get up and walk around. I hope to be out of here by 11:30. The test results confirmed the regurgitation of my mitral valve and showed that I have pulmonary hypotension in my lungs due to my heart issues. This is what is also making it difficult for me to breath. From what I\'ve read this will be resolved after my surgery. My sweet husband has been here with me all day today. I couldn\'t handle all of these health issues without him.

Today my husband and I were at the Walter Gerlach Livestock Show to watch our niece show her steer. I was amazed at the amount of friends who came up to us to say that they were thinking of me and praying for me. I feel so blessed to have made so many wonderful friends through this program over the years. Not only is it a great program for kids, but I will treasure the relationships that I have made with the parents, AG teachers, Gerlach Livestock Show Directors and the children whom I have come to know and consider family. I can also say that I was so touched by my friends and family members who want to follow my journey on this site. I love you all.

Yesterday my husband and I met with my Cardiologist to ask questions about my recent TEE test and schedule my heart catherization for next Tuesday. He also gave me the names of two surgeons in my area to meet with and decide which one I want to perform my valve repair. I do not want a replacement and I need a surgeon who is experienced with repairing mitral valves. My doctor also put me on a low dose of Lasix in order to help me with the breathing difficulty I am experiencing. I feel that my symptoms are worsening day by day which isn\'t good. I\'m really ready to have the surgery, as scared as I am, and want to be on the other side of the surgery.