Kittey's Journal

Hello, I am Kittey. I did not have heart surgery but my bf had quadruple bypass surgery 1 yr and 1 mth ago. I have been thru everything with him since then including staying in the recovery unit and standing over top him telling him to breathe as we took our breaths together. I stayed everynight by his side in the hospital, as if I were in the hospital too. I wanted him to know I was gonna go thru it with him too. I have been there taking care of his every need, spoiling him to the point where I'm afraid I may have damaged him from doing anything on his own. He did not complete cardiac rehab. He won't get out and about very often, he doesn't push hisself at all. He's been in and out of the hospital 4x, being admitted all 4x for various reasons. He is severely depressed, doesn't want to live, won't even try to get up and move forward, just wants to lay around and do nothing and expect to be back to normal with out doing "the work". He's lost interest in everything including me I feel. I'm 43 and he's 48. I love him, I've done everything for him, been by his side thru it all. I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I feel more like an in home health care nurse without pay, then a girlfriend. Don't have a clue if his depression will ever end or continue to get worse. I don't want to leave him, because I feel a little responsible due to the fact that I've catered to his every need, that he will go deeper in depression with out me to do for him. In return it seems as if I'm losing my self and everything about me, while taking care of him.