Bill Bard - Heart Valve Journal

Christmas Eve in Oregon

Journal posted on December 24, 2014

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through our house...
The sounds of the season are cheering us, as I navigate the treacherous waters of holiday treats! Candles ablaze (except for the new battery versions that are safer, last longer, and don't emit anything bad as far as I know), a quiet but hearty dinner with neighbors and the happy memories of holidays past that sustain us and give us hope for the year ahead.

For me, all I want for Christmas is a year without surgeries, a loss of sixty more pounds (to add to the 80 lost since my AVR) and for my spouse to find a satisfying job that will take full advantage of his many talents and skills! Is that wishing for too much? Probably, but it never hurts to ask!

After all, the laparoscopic gallbladder/hernia repair procedure was a piece of cake after the AVR--NOT, and the tech economy is booming even it has yet to "trickle down" to our neck of the woods. But there is a another cloud on the horizon.

One set of doctors have told me that the persistent numbness of two fingers in my right hand is probably an "unexpected consequence" of my open heart procedure. The ulnar nerve got impinged to the point of cutting the nerve signals to the muscles of my hand. They say if left unaddressed I will slowly lose muscle function and the hand will contract and be useless. Of course, there is always an operation that MAY fix it in a jiffy. But another anesthetic, a cast or splint, and the challenges all this brings to my limited mobility is more than I want to swallow at the moment. But there are always second opinions, alternative therapies, and ....well, something. Stay tuned for my Spring update!

I am lucky. My heart is now tickin' like a fine watch and the energy I am finding with 80 pounds off is awesome. So I'm going to go hang my stocking (support hose, of course) by the chimney with care and look ahead to a great New Year for all of us Zipper Club elves!

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Fear Not? Why Not?!

Journal posted on June 17, 2013

The Big Event is now a week and a day away.
Really? Already? Well yes.
The plan I put together 2 months ago states that this week would be all about ME.
Some serious meditation and prayer, household management hand-off, getting the van washed for my support team, tidying up my desk...maybe even a manicure/pedicure?

Then last night a dear friend came out with it and asked me point blank: ARE YOU SCARED?

Probably…but of what? A psych class years ago gave me this formula for dealing with fear: Acknowledge it, analyze it, rationalize it, embrace it, conquer it!
Let me explain.

Until I acknowledge that I am afraid, I live in a series of denials that are circular and completely counter-productive.

So I must move on to analyzing and rationalizing --those two usually occur together.
Where is “it” coming from? What is “it”? What can I do about “it”?

Is it Death? I don't think so.
As a hospice volunteer on and off since the early 80s, I have come to terms with death and dying. Sharing end of life times with fellow journeyers is both easy and rewarding for me.

Is it Pain? I hate to hurt but I hate most pain medications even more.
I may have to re-think that one!

Is it Losing Control? As a control freak all my life, what could be scarier than the loss of control that comes with open heart surgery?. From peeing to breathing, moving in bed to pain management--someone else is in charge, not just that day but maybe for many days to come.
Yes, this is my real fear.

So then I embrace it...I just say "OK, fear. I know you are there, I've figured you out. Let's get through this together".
That's embracing it.

And finally, I am ready to conquer it!
But never alone— friends and family, intellect and faith, knowledge and trust: these are the keys to conquering my fears.

I'll do it—I will make conquering my fears part of this week about ME!
I’ll let you know how well it worked next Monday morning....

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