stephanie's Journal

im still in prayer mode for our own ana brusso who hopefully is resting and recovering from surgery done sept1. and im still in prayer about my own self, because of the dx of mild mitral regurg. and also hoping the 100mg of trazodone prescribed for insomnia is not having side effects. ( i am so prone to side effects from any kind of pharmaceutical) so of course, developing anxiety about the anxiety over the drug, and the anxiety about is my heart ok after that avr,mvr,total rebuild...i need this group, my regulars, and my prayers and positives to those of you whom are new, discovering the joy of open heart take you aparr put you together again surgery. God bless you all.

i just opened my email and read about ana brusso having a rerun. this beautiful lady was one of my original prayer warriors when i first joined this group in may 2020 after AVR. she has been a constant as i have shared my stuff with you all, when i wrote of losing my man 3 months after my surgery. of course, i will go to her guest book and give her a virtual hug. of course i am putting out a prayer request for our ana brusso, that she goes through this rerun with strength, light,and love from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

heart anxiety after cardiologist appt. is waking me up at night. i really can't help freaking out when doctor said mitral valve 2/6 insufficiency. come back in 6 months for an echo. i thought all that pain and fear and long recovery time cured me. they gave me an edwards bovine aortic valve, did something to fix the aortic aneurism, and repaired the mitral valve. so, when he listened with the stethoscope and immediately said ,"you're in a fib". then, he rechecked,and got normal rythym. telling assistant to write down 2 over 6. ok..that slight murmur is part of mitral regurgitation. i get that. i left the appointment feeling elated that i have 6 months of no pills or amything,just a scheduled echo in january.but, that elation wore off and im feeling my pulse and worrying. but, i rode my bike 5 miles yesterday and felt fine. i will talk to my therapist,too. ptsd and anxiety are awful.

heart/health anxiety...hi... ii'm checking in after a hiatus. its 2yr and 2 mo since my emergency AVR(bovine) and mitral valve repair, aortic aneurism repair. this group has helped me through so many questions and wonderments in my recovery and healing. you regulars know my story and have been my awesome cheerleaders,moral supporters. y'aall who haven't met me, feel free to look up my name and past posts.
anyway....my physical body is about as good as its gonna get, i guess. 78 yrs old, physically active, hard worker, but sadly finding out that the rebuilt heart is NOT a new heart. i am still at only 50% of my expectations re stamina, and confidence.
as an emergency surgery, i was unprepared for what to expect, assuming after i came home that i'd be about normal after 2 or 3 months, like a hysterectomy or something. BIG SURPRISE... 2 years gone and i am now in the throes of major heart anxiety, still with PTSD and GENERAL ANXIETY. my primary doc( an osteopath,a hugger, and fabulous) helps my confidence. says i look in really good shape. not to worry. i AM doing CBT therapy weekly,which has done wonders. but... my cardiologist, who is quite a character, never looks me in the eye, voices his first observation over the stethoscope,then re checks and says oh, its ok now. he scoped me as i was having an anxiety attack and promptly said,"you're in A FIB. i died right there, scared ####less. then he rechecked, said, "ok, normal rythym. " did an ekg...came up 2/6 mitral insufficiency..ergo, the subtle heart murmur my pcp had heard,and now this doc. ( july 8,pcp,july14,cardio)ekg showed upside down t waves, but normal sinus rythym. now, even though i'm not scheduled for follow up til jan, incl an ECHO, i just needed to tell you guys what's going on. apparently i'm good to go, but still creeped out. no breathing issues, no pain, 10 mi bike rides easy, 1 minute planks, flexible, usual yard work and such. just 2 hours is fine,then i'm done. other than that scarey stuff, i'm good. i pray you all are well,and gaining health and strength.🦄🌈

just to tie in with y'all.i hope everyone is doing well, in various stages of recovery. i finally got my dose of humility. a touch of omicron covid. all the carefulness and everything. im about over it now..thr first week was like having the flu...sore throat, headache, that sorta thing. ues, mild, stay home and wallow in misery for a few days, then slowly recover. uggg. so, i am blessed to get through this with no big production. i thank God for my basic health. the hardest part is the fatigue, being wiped out. just listening to my body. resting as needed. my visit to cardiologist was ok. i had generated way too much anxiety over that, which was resolved by dr fast talking greek. ekg ok, see me in 6 months.thank you very much, goodbye. i feel like he doesn't even care about me. so i can at least say i " got looked at". it will be 2 years on april 28, so i presume i am repaired. except for this galloping crud, i have been pretty well back to normal. have a couple 10 and 20 mile bike rides logged, the usual yard wirk, and not snow shovelling. it snowed in december, and i just didn't bother to shovel. so, heart friends, my little voice from rural nevada, wishing you all the best and happy almost spring. groundhog day, etc. 🤗❤

GRATEFUL HEART wishing all my heart family a blessed and wonderful thanksgiving. we do have much to be thankful for. today's medical tech that enables us to run around with rebuilt hearts, right up there with a valve job on our old ford. God bless you ALL. and as our dear ADAM PICK would say.. "keep on tickin"

have a blessed and safe thanksgiving day,all my heart family. we have much to be grateful for...being alive, recovering, with rebuilt hearts. thanking science that this can even be done. it''s amazing,isn't it. we can continue to give one another moral support and love in our continued journey. God bless you all.

even though i seem to be wonder woman, i aam feeling a little cruddy. upset stomach, checking my vitals constantly. worrying about if it's "something else" . i did go on 25mg zoloft in feb, because my primary told me i have PTSD, from the scary bad surgery, the attack that led to it, ICU syndrome, and grief from dealing w the death of my soulmate of 35 years, barely 4 mo after the OHS. i am going for a telehealth with my pcp monday. he wants to discuss my worries about withdrawal from zolift. i dc'd it aug. but only took a couple weeks of cutting the 25mg lo dose to 12.5. yeh, it HAD helped the anxiety,ptsd, but i was getting stomach ikkies and still have insomnia.just didnt like the feeling. now, i have been feeling off and on crummy this last month. i still do my normal stuff, but doc explained anxiety can do this. i dont feel anxious,except about why do i feel off.... he thought i might go back on the sertraline(zoloft) i told him i am scared to. i thought i would run this across y'all, get some feed back. and on top of that, 18 months post op. they all say it takes a minimum of a year to fully recover. lordy....at least i like that doctor..i cant get an appointment with cardiologist til jan as i said yesterday. but my rebuiilt heart seems fine. well, guys, thats the rest of the steph update. i will keep you posted on what goes on. ❤🦄🐾

steph update: good morning all. as i was going thru my tricorder ( good ol android smart phone that does everything but make my morning coffee)i noticed a msg in my guest book

just to let all you know, i am catching up on journals, guest books, comments. i am still in a constant state of prayer and learning. again, God bless you ALL , continued healing,grace and blessings....

i thought i had you guys caught up...well. not..the tamarack blew up ,and i wound up evacking. my rebuilt heart has withstood the nerves, but even though my community was not really going to burn( hopefully) thurs,7/22, i was outta here. i had packed my bug out kit monday,truck was fueled and ready. reverse 911 at 10:30pm,tues. if that didn't give me a heart attack, the, i reckon the valve job is holding.😱😵😬😇 no evac center for me. i secured my house, loaded my dog and went to the magic campsite where my hub and i spent meaningful times. so my confidence is better,going camping alone, while wildfire raging close to my home. vzw worked on the mountain, where it previously had not...good! so i was in communication. kept everybody in my fb community group updated, my daughter. left thur pm, returned sat. so 2 nights in the beautiful mountain,by a creek. no people. healing more,from all my trauma from this last year.praise be to Jesus. so, i guess i am getting better. today, i cut down( felled,actually) the 30ft dead pine tree by my driveway. yup, another chainsaw session for this old,beat up broad. resting now, catching my heart gang up on my adventures. love and healing to you all. prayers to those so sadly affected by the horrible wildfires..... til next time....i love you all❤🦄🐕🐈🐈steph

its july19,and i just want to check in with you all. my regulars who have followed my story from the git go. my blessings to any of you who haven't followed my story. riight now,i am holed up,indoors,with my humidifier and swamp cooler, because of the totally smoky air.air quality index at 230 ppm. very unhealthy. i'm about 15 miles as the crow flies from the tamarack fire that is humongous. i pray for all involved in these terrible fires. i am safe,so i won't bitch about the yukky smoke. now,here is a question.....they determine the air quality index by the numbers,degrees of health impact for normal individuals and those with heart or lung disease. ie sensitive groups... as i am 15 months post AVR, does that mean i am sensitive, normal, or considered in the heart disease category? well, also, "elderly"? 77 yo? my own self prefers to avoid the bad air, because it does make me feel yukky. even though i feel strong and able, i still need rest,and only good for a couple hours of more strenuos work( not in this smoke,nope. talkin regular nice weather,below 90°)then i need to chill for a couple days.my pc doc says i am fine,but i still have health anxiety. even with low dose sertraline. i do my exercises every morning,sorta yoga,stretches, even plank and hand weights. vitals good, breathing good. prayer life good. this is "a journal" right? so i am talking to you, my heart friends who have been thru similar stuff. thank you all, God bless you, stay well.i love you all.❤🦄

hi all. it's 13 months. I'm healing. 75% back to old self. last year's heart disaster and AVR (open) aged me,took a powerful chunk out. tomorrow I'm going to m my primary for annual WELLNESS visit. ok,that's good. I love this doctor. he believes in wellness. osteopathic,and he hugs. I even got a hug the last time,in January...covid not withstanding. the one thing that's dismaying is that the recovery time for this is so LONG! they said around a year. I thought,no WAY. you're kidding. not. maybe being 77 not 40 ma ked it harder. I'm getting my strength back, getting my muscles back. I can do physical stuff like yard work, wood cutting, gardening,weed whacking, general house work. pulled wall paper and painted 4 rooms. I last 2 hours and I'm done. well sometimes 3 hours now. energy is good,endurance and stamina, not the way it was before I had my asymptomatic until the I fell out with blown aortic valve=emergency trip to hospital and this very scary surgery. I almost died. I thank God,Jesus and the Holy spirit for saving my life. my miracle.to my regulars here, I think of y'all a lot,and newbies, hang in there. it's amazing that our broken hearts can be mended. thank you,too,Adam Pick ,for this awesome site.

today,April 28th is a YEAR since I had my surgery..I wish I could say that I feel completely well, but I can tell there's still more healing to do. oh,I'm good. I've painted and pulled wall paper, cut wood, started my greenhouse garden, walk my dog regularly. can do 5 miles on my bike,and 10 second planks. but will I ever totally be 100%? at 77 I'm blessed to be able to do and feel what I can. considering how I started on this trip, it's darn good. first month post op, I fought the frailty, the notion that it would take so long. pushed myself and felt weird after. I know I overdid my chest bone. I can feel knobby spots under the skin..but, it healed despite my inattention to protocols. I was barely 4 months out and lost my soulmate of 35years to a stroke and undiagnosed pancreatic cancer. 10 days from 911 to final phone call from nurse. being on this site,talking to you all, sometimers and regulars, has been a blessing. thank you for your love and beautiful feedback. stay well, heal, be safe, be loved.❤🦄

today,Easter Sunday,is a fitting time to reflect with y'all about our life changing events that led us to this site. as we think about Jesus dying on that cross and coming back to life in a new form,as are we,resurrected from potential death with failing hearts,to newer,stronger versions,a form of rebirth. I,for one,wish to use my new lease on life,wisely and well. on April 22,it will be a year since I faced near death,the 28th when they rebuilt my heart.instead of griping about the length of time it takes to recover,I want,instead,to wish all you heart survivors well. we are experiencing a true miracle that we are alive now. go in Light and Love, and God bless you.❤🙏🦄

I had my 3 week appt yesterday with my totally neat primary. we talked about the sertraline(zoloft) and generalvstuff. I asked questions of written down that concern me the most....like...if I was diagnosed with ccongestive heart failure,wasn't that because of the whole valve crisis.? I have had NO edema,swelling,breathing issues...nothing. he did admit that I seem fine,my labs are good, my blood pressure is fine now,with 10mg lisinopril. I have had definite side effects from the zoloft25mg. transient...they come and go,but I understand that's typical in the first 2 or so weeks on this.something to do with the body adjusting to the change in serotonin levels,including in the guts....ugh. that aggravated my tendency toIBS.but,I guess the anxiety factor is being helped,because I'm just plodding through,resting if I'm tired, not looking at the clock when I wake up at night. it's been 3 weeks,and I have less episodes of gut reactions,heartburn, insomnia . and it's weird. I didn't realize what a stress cadet I have been. the health anxiety isn't as bad or anything. I still would like to see the day when I can roll without constantly needing my couch. but it's better.a little over 9 months. I'm blessed to have what I have...and thanks to you guys,my regulars,and the ones chipping in, it's not as lonely.❤🦄

solutions: so,I went to my primary doc. it turned into a mental health visit. he said i'm doing just fine physically. healing the way I should,considering how rough it was. the health anxiety is an offshoot of... you guessed it...ptsd and icu syndrome,and residuals from the anesthesia,and that week in hospital before the surgery where I was out of it ,but apparently am working thru a lot of the subconscious processing. all those tests,invasive and otherwise,I probably DID process,as in HORRIBLE!waking up with them pulling tubes.. WHERE AM I? so, that the by pass unit,the length time under anesthesia, the total body trauma, and also the cardioversion. no wonder I've shorted...on top of losing my MAN. ok,glad it's not my imagination. as much as I'm leery, doc reassured me a small dose of Zoloft will do wonders. I go back in around 3 weeks,see how things are going. I just have to say how good it felt to TALK to him, and get VALIDATED,and to find out that the weird physical stuff is all "normal". that I'm still healing. jeeezloueeze. 9 months and counting. but I've been cleared to ride horses. a new friend has 2,and there's only one of her.also,she lost HER man in August,as did I.so I can follow the circle and shine my light on others as has been shone on me.amen? oh gosh...it feels so good to tell you guys all this. as I say,I'm pretty much a doctor phobe,STILL, but this kind man reminds me of my horse vet,whom I always wished he could be my people doctor...I'd go any time. so, movin right along. talk to y'all later. God bless❤🦄

set back?.... I don't know. I feel alright, but ever since I had that bout of high blood pressure,started 20mg lisinipril, felt a bit light headed,occasional dizziness. I told my pc and he said to cut back to 10mg. today is day one on 10 mg. seems that when I do physical stuff that makes my heart rate go up, the next day I feel ...off.... vitals read well,no temp. I'm drinking 3 large bottles of water a day. I wake up at night with anxiety. yet,my strength is fine. I'm probably realizing that I need to rest more. after chilling,I do feel better. so,yesterday I whacked an axe with a sledge,splitting some wood. drug wood from wood pile on a sled. I really want to be alright and not worry all the time about my rebuilt heart. when I think about making a doctor appointment, I get scared. I worry that I won't come back and who wilk take care of my fur kids...I hope this is only an anxiety attack that I can work through. PTSD belated stress from the surgery,the loss of my man....I've been doing really well. just seems I can't go all out yet with physical exercise.other than that...I'm good.

it snowed here in my part of NV.14 inches,and more to come. we're in a little rural community about 20 miles south of gardnerville. I live snow...it brings out my inner kid. my outer adult stays inside with the wood stove going. well. I still am finding my limits...been doing lots of "normal"stuff, but I think shoveling a trail thru 14 inches of not powder got me a little. so...it's done, I have my trail to the wood pile,the truck is unburied, but, I'm tired... not horribly, just that feeling of better take a day or 2 off and don't worry about projects and stuff. it's frustrating to admit my limits. between this long recovery,and what could be the creeping olds. other than that, I'm good. love you guys and God bless you all.❤🦄

tying in with my bunch of hearty souls....also,to celebrate tomorrow. my birthday. so...it's almost 9 months post op,and I think I'm starting to find more energy. and..I will be 77 years old. that just sounds OLD,but I don't FEEL OLD. my exercise/ stretching / projects help. I actually rode my bike this morning to the community clinic,froze my butt off. ( only a mile and a half) for a blood draw. but it got my mind off my coffeeless morning.NPO is the pits. ( here's a trick that does work if you get stuck with a NPO...drink a couple cups of boiled,filtered water. it fools your mind into accepting that you're not getting your morning coffee...or tea.... ) so, the rife felt good. I threw more firewood in my truck and brought to my wood pile for stacking another day. yesterday, I ran one tank on chainsaw,bucking the dead trees I'd cut down a couple months ago...more firewood. so,today,I'm tired, but not wrecked. took a nap on the couch,reading a book. tomorrow,nuthin planned. my visit with my primary doc was fine. he pronounced me to be well, and looking fine. he's fun. we talk about books and sci-fi. I'm still on the 20mg lisinipril. it's not bothering me,and my BP is where it should be...less anxiety there.. facetiming kid nearly every day. it was sad. to see her leave but what a terrific time we had. grief wise...I'm doin ok... I have support,and I have God. I truly live this site, feeling connected with some of you regulars. such good virtual visits do my heart and soul wonders of good. and I hope my input helps some of you all.so...I think we're caught up fer now.....stay safe stay well.... oh..yeh.! burning question...who wants the covid vax? between that and the political situation...I'm glad I'm still holing up....lol. ❤🙏🦄

I just want to add my latest. I have been experiencing stress,probably as someone mentioned,post grief reaction,too. well, I've been monitoring my vitals like a good girl. my blood decided to be 160/100. I prayed on deciding to go to my favorite urgent care. thought it would maybe help with the blood pressure and the health anxiety. being all alone I'm scared to go in.who will watch my fur kids. so I keep a big pit of water, a big pit of kibbles, a big bowl of cat kibbles up on their counter.( just. in. case...) I was so worried I called my daughter in New Orleans. anyway I did go to urgent care. nice doc prescribed 20mg lisinipril. I'm not really afraid of that med. had it before..a few years ago. no sides except when the one fool put me on 40mg and I felt like fainting. but I am confident this will help.I do have an appt w my primary doc on Jan 7th.he'll check the dosage and all that. my EKG was just fine. no temp.hr upper 80s . I thought I may have been giving MYSELF a version of white coat syndrome,by getting scared to even check the readings . I eat right, do all the things one should do to help bp but it's prob one of those things. I'll be glad to talk to primary . he's a do,and reminds me of my favorite vet I had for my horse. I always said if a people doctor could be like him I wouldn't be afraid of doctors. it was like at first sight when I first visited him.sooo. other than that,I'm doing as well as I guess I should.8 months along on the 28th Dec. my daughter is coming here from new orleans.we need each other. she's fresh from divorce and needs mommy. I'm upside down and need my baby(50 yrs old.still my kid) so,have a blessed and of 2020,may 21 be better.❤🦄

I just reread my last journal posting, and all your encouraging feedback. I still feel this underlying nervous tension. checked vitals...ok. no pain, no sob, good energy for wall paper peeling, brush burning, painting projects. still need rest in between times...work a day( like 4 hours, then chill) take a day off. I'm resigning myself to taking time to complete healing... a year? egads. oh. well. y'all ARE right. I overestimate my ability to pop back after such trauma. underestimate my anxiety level in the subconscious realm. PTSD comes back and bites one in the butt out of NOWHERE. and that can be self perpetuating... anxiety exacerbated by anxiety...ugh. I'll reread this last batch of encouragement AGAIN, until it sinks in. and....give it to God...that helps. thanks, y'all , we ARE an interesting bunch with so many shared feelings and experiences.💝🦄

I guess I'm having a generalized anxiety attack. it's probably catching up with me from the last few months. ptsd makes sense when you think about the TRAUMA of what I experienced. pump head? I am still getting stupid attacks. getting sidetracked and burning dinner, forgetting where I put things, being generally absent minded and ditsy. (and I'm a brunette) health anxiety.. I'm obsessing on my heart. I constantly stick my finger in the oxifinger thing, feel my carotid, peer at my brachial artery. measure my respiration when walking or taking a quick bike ride. all fine, easy, not at all winded. I do my stretches, a fee light reps with an 8lb hand weight. I can actually hold a plank for a count of 10, but, I still keep having the creeps...the what it's.. being alone, who will care for my dog who doesn't like strangers? I've been off Ami,now, for 2 months. I THINK it's wearing off. my hair seems to be growing back, my balance is much better, only a rare ocular migraine, or a dark field passing in my vision,I'm accepting my limitations, resting more, budgeting energy re harder tasks,accepting the fact that I'm only halfway in my recovery. I've read that people who were active and fit are way more impatient with the long recovery from such serious surgery. ok, I've got it... but I just get worried. am I alright? breathing..fine. pain..nope. faint, dizzyness ...nope. appetite...good. sleep cycle.... better, now. 2 months ago, cardiologist said echo showed everything working fine. ok.... I just had to voice those thoughts and anxieties to you guys. I basically feel pretty good. just still can't wrap my brain around what's happened in my life since April 2020. I'll continue in my prayer life. God always works.thanks, guys, for listening to my rant🦄

I don't have a big problem with various state mandates limiting private,in home gatherings. at least personally. I'm basically isolated,family all so. Cali. we'll prob duo or FaceTime. that's ok. I am not REAL happy with the mandate itself. too much gov interference"for our own good". who will actually rat out their neighbors about the amount of people gathering in a traditional setting? well, aside from THAT, I am THANKFUL for my continued health and healing. for the strength given me by God to cope with the total traumatic journey of this last 7 months . I pray that all of you are going into this season with healing, blessings, love and light. ❤🦄

just a quick progress report to my heart friends.... the 28th Oct was 6 months post op. I think I'm pretty much on track in recovery from the gnarliest. surgery I ever had in my entire life. even though I've always been a fit and athletic type, I do face the reality that at 76, I need to ease up on the ego and not get freaked out by the creeping olds. this heart disaster definitely took a chunk out of me physically. I can't compete with a 40 year old guy who's had the same surg as I. suffice it to say, I am grateful and blessed that I have my life,my health that is coming back,my strength, and one day in the near future, my stamina. God has blessed me with a chance to continue my life in His Light, with wonderful memories of the best man I ever knew, and my friends, family and dispersed support through this very interesting and challenging 6 months. as Adam says, ima keep on tickin.