Jeff Parker - Heart Valve Journal

My Journal

2060 days ago

Maybe some of you can relate to my experience. I don't seem to be able to talk to other "normal" people about this, as only persons that have had this kind ...Read more

Maybe some of you can relate to my experience. I don't seem to be able to talk to other "normal" people about this, as only persons that have had this kind of surgery (major invasive heart surgery) can possibly know how it is. In June 2019 I was a pretty average 58 year old guy, doing day to day things. One day I'm ok, the next I'm in the hospital for mitral valve failure. The chordae apparently just snapped, causing the valve to flop around. 11 days in hospital having all the tests while waiting for surgery at a specialist unit. 1 hours warning of an ambulance trip to the heart unit,,, wow, this is really happening to me. At the heart unit I was told my operation would be the next day, along with all the things that could go wrong and cause death. That night was awful, no family, just alone waiting for potential death on the table the next day. My wife and daughter saw me off to the operating room,. I was petrified, certain this was going to be my last few minutes on the planet. Anaesthetic given and then,,, I was being woken up, tubes and wires everywhere. I'm not dead!!! Recovery is seriously slow, the first month is pretty grim, but it gets better each day. Now 6 months on and I'm still on the mend, but am told by all medical practitioners that it's at least a year to start feeling like yourself. The main reason for being here is the psychological aspect. Leaving hospital was very emotional for me and I'm not an emotional person. Every now and then I have the most strange feelings, I see the scar, or think about the ordeal and I want to cry,. I'm not sure if this is joy for being alive or from the terror I felt going to surgery or the pain and recovery since the operation. My chest is still tender, I still get tired easily, I expected those things to take time to heal, but it has messed my head around a lot, and I wasn't expecting that at all. I really do struggle at times to comprehend it all. Has anyone else had these feelings? I'd love to talk to you.

Susan Lynn Jeff - You've come to the right place. Many heart warriors on this site have had similar experience ... Read more

Susan Lynn Jeff - You've come to the right place. Many heart warriors on this site have had similar experiences. I think there are both biological and psychological causes for our pre- and post-op emotional roller coaster. Depression is very common after heart surgery, as well. If you didn't go to cardiac rehab, it may not be too late to start. The support of the staff and the other participants can greatly ease your recovery. You will soon realize that there are many similarities among heart patients regardless of the specific procedures they had. It might be a good idea to have a chat with your cardiologist or primary care physician. They're experts at addressing the emotions that go along with surgery. Feel free to ask any questions you have - we're always here and we do understand. ❤

Catie B Welcome, Jeff. Most of us have had a good deal of warning and time to process what was happening to u ... Read more

Catie B Welcome, Jeff. Most of us have had a good deal of warning and time to process what was happening to us as time approached for our surgeries. Yours was so sudden, unexpected and alarming! The entire experience may have traumatized you. Medical trauma is a very real thing and being terrified that your life may be about to end could have brought on symptoms of PTSD. You might want to consider seeing a therapist/counselor for some extra support processing the emotional aspects. I hope talking here will help, too!

Darren Ketchley Hi jeff i can relate to everything you have said.it is without doubt the most horrible thing i have e ... Read more

Darren Ketchley Hi jeff i can relate to everything you have said.it is without doubt the most horrible thing i have ever been through. Im no cry baby but it caused emotions i never thought i had in me. Its been 18 months and my mitral valve surgery has caused afib. Im on my second ablation for this the most recent being a month ago. Im currently feeling breathless and totally lacking in energy. Im hoping this will improve....i did have sternum pain for 12 months after surgery and that is improved. Im left with a legacy of anxiety i never had. I believe some people sail through recovery but for many it takes much longer.nothing can prepare anyone for ohs.its invasive. Brutal. And very emotional. I hope things improve for you. If you dont have afib that is a huge bonus. At 12 months healing you should feel a lot better good luck.

Marie Myers Yes, I can relate. I was very emotional for a few weeks after surgery, like crying for no particular ... Read more

Marie Myers Yes, I can relate. I was very emotional for a few weeks after surgery, like crying for no particular reason at all. I think it is a response to the massive controlled trauma that heart surgery really is. Part of what I was feeling was grief for the “loss” of my former, totally healthy self. All of a sudden, I became a heart patient with a cardiologist, a cardiac surgeon, and some new prescription drugs. Wow, that is a lot to process. Fast forward to 2 1/2 yrs, and I am feeling a LOT better. Things got better slowly for me, as they probably will for you. It may help you to speak to your primary doc or cardiologist about all this, because everyone is different and heals at different rates. Wishing you all the best!

William True Darren,
You are not alone in these feelings. 6 years ago I was hit by a car while on my bicycle. ... Read more

William True Darren,
You are not alone in these feelings. 6 years ago I was hit by a car while on my bicycle. An ambulance whisked me away, and I was rushed into an emergency 10 hour surgery. Every bone in my left leg was shattered. I had to learn to walk again. I spent months in a wheelchair. I sank into depression, and believe me the tears flowed.
As I am recovering from my recent mitral valve repair, I have noticed the same hints of depression. I wake up shaking uncontrollably with a feeling of powerlessness. I tell myself that if things don’t get better right away, I don’t want to be here any longer. It takes me a while to start to realize how lucky I am, but I start to list the things in my life that matter to me. The things I love. As I get through this list, it becomes easier to move ahead.
You’ve just had your life altered in a profound way. This can lead to the mind doing weird things. One benefit that each surgery gave me is a new outlook on life. Each opportunity afforded me the chance to change who I am. Examine this as a positive and think of all the things you want to do still in your time here. Then don’t let anything get in the way of doing those things! You survived for a reason.

Jeff Parker I would like to thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. I can't tell you how much ... Read more

Jeff Parker I would like to thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I'm not alone having these weird emotions.
The first month after the surgery I was so grateful for being alive and seemed to see the world and life in a slightly different way, so in awe of everything, the blue sky, birds, trees, the whole thing. It was interspersed with sudden often out of the blue feelings of "something", this is what I'm so confused by, I'm sad and get tears in my eyes, but cannot pinpoint why I'm sad. I've given it so much thought over these past six months and still don't know why. I should be so happy,I've been given another chance, a reason to make more of the extra time I've been allowed, however long that may be.
It has made me much less tolerant and I notice I'm quick to snap at something that would have just washed over me before.
It's a bit tricky typing here as I can only see the last two lines, so I apologise if it's a bit fragmented.
Can we talk individually here or is it limited to threads?
Obviously I'm new here and am hopefully going to find my way around the site.
Susan, Catie, Darren, Marie and William, you are all so helpful and it's reassuring that you have all been through similar experiences. It really is a traumatic event, my consultant told me it was a brutal operation and takes a really long time to heal.
Just because the sternum scar looks nice, the bones, muscles and tendons etc have all been cut and they take much longer to knit back together properly. He described how the 8-9" sternum cut was then opened up 6-8".
I'm an engineer and understand plenty, but trying to imagine how your chest can be opened up so much without tearing the skin is quite something. To then start to imagine them stopping that heart that has kept you alive for so long, being stopped and cut open, repaired, sewn back up, filled with blood and tested is just hard to comprehend.

Thomas Brusstar You've come to the right place, Jeff. I also had chordae rupture, giving me a "flail" leaflet on my ... Read more

Thomas Brusstar You've come to the right place, Jeff. I also had chordae rupture, giving me a "flail" leaflet on my mitral valve. It was stable enough that I didn't need to go right into the hospital, so I had over a month to plan for the surgery once it was scheduled. I also felt this weird feeling leaving my hospital room, I was weeping when I left the hospital. It was unexpected, because I hadn't cried the whole time. I think it was just the culmination of such a big ordeal, and such a big accomplishment to be done with it. The process of healing inside, just the orthopedic issues, will take a long time. I'm 55 now, and about 17 months post-mitral valve repair with a full sternotomy, and to be honest my sternum still aches afterwards when I do heavy lifting or try to exercise my chest at the gym. One of my older brothers also had a mitral valve repair, and he said it was about 2 years before his sternum felt normal. Mine still kind of clicks and stuff, kind of the innocuous way your back cracks. But I don't like it. I have lots to be grateful for, and our bodies are amazing to heal after this process; but you are in good company here, as we all process the violent and inventive things they did inside our chests.

Rita Savelis Oh gosh. You describe it just like it is. Overwhelming. Physical recovery can take a long time
And ... Read more

Rita Savelis Oh gosh. You describe it just like it is. Overwhelming. Physical recovery can take a long time
And then there is emotional recovery. Everything you are experiencing is normal. I am almost 5 yrs out and it took years to feel "normal". Take care. Give yr body time to heal. Give your psyche time to heal. I wrote a post about depression in my profile if you'd like to read it.