About Me (In My Own Words)
I had replacement of aortic valve on 1/02/13 My surgery not smooth, recovery long, I am female, 58. I had been exhausted, depressed etc. for 12 years. Each year was worse. I am a horse trainer and very active, yet it got to the point that I lost everything and was contemplating suicide sometimes every minute. I began sleeping up to 20 hours a day and every chore became impossible to think about, let alone do. I would think about going to a friends house, or doing something that might cheer me up; i would look out the window, eye the truck and that is as far as I got. my horses had to go. I could not take care of myself. Because the doctors were convinced that i had cinical depression stemming from ptsd from traumas of youth, i thought the same thing. For 32 years i was in and out of therapy, doing every self help action possible. Three years ago, on disabilty and leaving all possessions behind I moved to another town to begin again. I stopped sleeping all the time so i thought, this is good. But the depression began at a horrible pitch. one day in the end of nov.2012, I was reading a book and thinking about what it would be like to travel to different places and suddenly another voice, my realistic one said, 'you can't get your ass outa town. and you think you can go across an ocean?' Suddenly I became terrified and i knew. i knew I was dying. Slowly but definitely. I also knew i had cancer. I found aplace on my breast a year before and did nothing because i didn't care. And I somehow knew that cancer was not what was killing me. I prayed out loud, "God, i have had an incredible life! And exciting life. Please, kill me quick. Don't let me dribble away like this. if I am meant to live, get me into the mainstream of life again!
I had always been active. Always courageous. I had made it thru some serious times and traumas in my life to exceed expectations. I was not afraid of death, i was terrified of a life of not living. And that is what was happening.
less than a week after the prayer i had a biopsy on my breast. It was cancer. An operation dec. 14, a mild heart attack and in the hospital by the 16th. Was tested for heart problems. You see I had always had a murmer. My father had one. I was told it was innocent. A physician at the hospital also had had an innocent murmer and he came and sat with me. His innocent murmer nearly killed him at the age of 49. He wanted me tested. I was, and it was found that i had a serious valve problem that maybe i had a couple of weeks to live. I have friends who felt that the cardiologist had no right to tell me that prognosis. I am glad he did. Because the surgeon would not operate. said I was too much of a risk. I knew I didn't have time to take care of the cancer thru chemo that I needed next, that the chemo would kill me. But Ihad to go home.
Two more ambulance rides of not breathing took me to the hospital, the last on christmas day. From that hospital I was sent to portland when I refused to go home. Portland, Maine, where the cardiologist who was right on about my Aortic valve had found a surgeon willing to take me on. Dr. Scot Buchanan.
On January 2nd. I was operated on. The surgeon told me later that he was not prepared to find what he found. The arotic valve was a bicuspid (which he knew thru imaging) but that it was barely trickling blood thru what was left of the opening which was also closed by calcium deposits. During the Operation, my blood pressure disappeared and i was taken off the bypass and then put back on. For four days my blood pressure was hanging and plunging and i was aloud only the minimum of pain meds because they lowered my pressure. finally i stablilzed and then my lungs filled up with fluid. for the next 4 days in ICCU I was on the mask for oxegen. Finally on the 8th day enough fluid was gone to allow me to go to the lesser ICCU. after another five days in which i had some serious afribulations where it felt like a herd of horses were in my chest, along with blood transfution because my pressure dipped again, due to my blood needing to thicken. I left after thirteen days from surgeory. My surgeon said that I did give him a few grey hairs.
It is now 7 weeks since my surgeory and i am bummed that so many people are in and out of the hospital and are recovering easily. For me it has been not easy. My strength is returning, but a stomach virus put me out completely. However I was given on good piece of news. my cancer is 95% hormone receptive. I won't need chemo nor radiation. phew, because I was beginning to think that I just didn't want to push much harder.
More Info About Me & My Heart
More About Me
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I am from:
Bangor, Maine