Well things have gone crazy around our house like usual, and instead of having 4 to 6 weeks to plan and get all our ducks in a row I fund out yesterday that surgery is scheduled for tomorrow! I did my pre-op this morning by myself because Racey had major business to take care of and I must say I did pretty damn good. I had blood work, EKG, chest x-ray, some crazy breathing test, and talked with the anesthesiologist about how long I would be on the heart/lung bypass machine.
At this moment I feel like I'm doing good...as long as I don't think about the doctor cutting my breast bone in half... I had to watch a video about the surgery and what to expect and when they showed the breast bone being sawed in half I had to close my eyes, I just couldn't take it.
I signed my Advance Directive and couldn't help but think if I was doing the right thing. My children's father passed away a week before his 38th birthday and when I filled in the date I noticed my surgery will be 3/13/13 which is one month to the day of my 39 birthday. I hate the thought of them being here without me. I know most parents die before their children which they should, but not when their kids are 21,19,17.
Racey is really quite this afternoon and I think he's trying to keep me calm and relaxed. I know tomorrow will be really hard for him and I hate that he has to go through it. He jokingly said to his mom one night "she didn't tell me her heart was broke when I met her!" I gave him the stank eye we wives are good at he just grinned.
My motto has always been "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" and after this I should be Heracles!
My daughters are going to try and keep my journal updated until I'm home and feeling better. I'm thinking about all of you who are facing surgery and those of you who have already crossed that bridge I continue to wish you the best.
This week has been crazy emotional and stressful. Monday I pretty much had myself sorted out with the exception of my husband's company is changing insurance carriers on March 1st. They said it was due to issues from Obama care. A big part of me is thankful the change is taking place now and not towards the end, but it's still stressful trying to see who is in network and will I still be able to use all the same physicians and facilities, what is their coverage, blah, blah, blah... and now our deductible went from $5,000 to $15,000. *insert angry face here* But on the bright side at least he has a job and we have insurance. This time a year ago we didn't and we were desperate for it. So I guess it's true that "every dark cloud has a silver lining".
My cath is in 2 days. I'm not really nervous but anxious. My cardiologist said he would try and do it through the wrist if he could. It would be nice to not have the compression bandage and long wait time on my back. We shall see.
I'm still encouraged that so many of you are doing well. Michelle DeCarlo is really making progress, and Sophie Marsh is quickly approaching her surgery date and seems to be handling this pretty well.
To everyone who is recovering or approaching surgery, I am thinking about you and your families, and sending positive energy and care your way!
After 2 days of off and on crying I’m ready to do something else. I woke up this morning with my love snuggled close behind me and the sun shining through the window and it reminded me that life is still good. To me there is no better mood lifter than a nice bright day, so I hopped out of bed and the thought crossed my mind “enjoy that move as long as you can!” and decided to start working on things.
Today is list day. I need to put on paper all the things that I want and need accomplished before surgery. Knowing me, I will have so many lists floating around it will drive Racey batty. He already tries to straighten my desk most weekends because it’s covered in papers. ;-)
A few of my list will be:
• Things for McClane
• Projects around the house
• Place & people I want to see before surgery
• Research valve pros & cons with different medications and side effects
I think as I cross items off it will make me feel more at ease and ready for surgery. And once I’m home and recovering I won’t feel the burden and stress of all the things that needed doing.
Thank you to all the people who have commented in my guestbook! It’s encouraging to know I’m not alone and that my fears are tears are common and will pass.
It has only been 24 hours since the cardiologist confirmed it was time for surgery and my mind is consumed with it. He advise that I could wait till spring but no later than summer. By the time I pick a surgeon, complete all test, and have my pre-op labs finished spring will be here.
I was a wee bit emotional last night as I thought about what was ahead of me and all the changes and challenges that are around the corner. I've had to keep a tight grip on my emotions and have fought back tears most of today as well. It's not that I can't cry but I don't want to be a baby about it, and really, what good does it do?
This Friday I'll have a heart catheterization to check for any blockages. I'm fairly sure it will come back fine but part of me wished I had skipped McDonald's a little more in my 20's. ;-)
I've only told a few people so far... maybe if I don't tell anyone then it's not real?!?