Sherry's Journal

Saw my doc - dizzyness just plain old vanilla BPPV and unrelated to my heart. All continues to tick along fine. This October will be my 12th anniversary! My goodness how time has sped by. My one recommendation to all - and for myself - is try to keep up a good physical activity regimen. It doesn't matter what - just move, move, move. My weight has been a problem most of my life and I'm hoping that as I move into the 70s that I can get it down a bit - but mainly that I can strengthen my legs and arms. When I think about what could be needed for a good recovery if I end up with a second surgery - I know that having as much strength in my limbs as possible will be a big plus. Hugs to all!

I turned 70 earlier this month. My heart seems to be ticking along just fine. I have had some issues lately though with ringing in my ears, dizzyness and being able to hear my own heartbeat again. Right after my surgery and for several months after, I was so surprised that I could hear my own heartbeat. It was disconcerting for quite a long time but then just faded into the background. It's odd that we just don't think about how our normal everyday "body noises" go unheard because we have listened to them all our lives. So when I could suddenly hear it again, it made me wonder if something is going on. Scheduled to the see the doc soon and likely all these are just more general aging stuff (hoping so). Overall, life is good and I am so excited about all the new options that continue to be made available as people get ready to undergo repair/replacement. Someone I know in their early 30s just had to have a mitral valve repair that was quite extensive - but he was still able to go home in just about 3 days! Amazing! God bless and keep all of you who recovering or who are facing surgery. You will feel so much better in time - much more than you can imagine at the early stage of recovery!

I passed my tenth anniversary of open heart surgery for aortic stenosis (cow valve) and aortic aneurysm (pig tissue repair) in October 2022. Things still going well. I turn 70 this year and at the time I had my first surgery they were saying 10-12 years was common but could be much longer. Is that still the common thought with more recent surgeries? Thanks!

In a few weeks, I will celebrate my 10th anniversary post valve replacement (bovine - 2012). At this point, I only see my cardiologist (wonderful Dr. Raul Santos) once per year. The amazing surgeon who performed my procedure (Dr. Ryan of Plano Baylor Scott & White) had the skills and foresight to set up my valve replacement in such a way that if/when I need a replacement, they MAY be able to do a less invasive surgery. That was an option that was just getting perfected 10 years ago and since then several of my friends have had far less invasive initial surgeries. But my collar bone to mid chest scar is a daily reminder of my blessing that my dangerous condition was properly diagnosed and surgery was VERY successful. Forever grateful and life is good. I have had (unrelated) a tia incident two years ago, and I am beginning to see some (suspected) age-related brain health issues. I'm so hoping and praying that over time (probably not my own - but in the lives of the younger people in the world), science and medical advances will significantly improve care for brain health as they have heart health. A decade before my heart surgery, survival would have been dicey. But now (as this site makes so clear), we live in an amazing time of progress and options. For all those heading in to surgery - it is scary and a big deal - but the outcomes are more in your favor than ever in history! You Got This! God bless!

Just posting from time to time in hopes that it might encourage those who are coming up on similar procedures. I am coming up on my 9th anniversary (in October of this year). From a heart perspective life has been great. I've had no issues. I go in next week for a regular checkup and am not expecting anything major to have changed. I have had a small amount of "leakage" around the valve replacement for a few years but nothing that is creating any "felt symptoms". We keep an eye on it and hopefully, it will remain stable. Back when I had my surgery, they were talking about replacement being needed in perhaps 10 years. But these days, even surgeries as old as mine are remaining viable much longer. I'm hoping that I can avoid another surgery for several more years. I had a TIA in early 2020 but have not had a recurrence. My family has a long history of cerebral hemorrhage/stroke so that was a bit frightening. Throughout 2020 and the first part of this year I was grateful for my creative pursuits - but disappointed in myself that I did not take the "free" time to do more about exercising. I feel this is the one BIG error I have made all along this journey. Immediately after my surgery in 2012, I was finally able to exercise without feeling sick. But I was in a very challenging job situation that lasted up until 2018 and I did not expend the energy that I should have in getting my body more physically fit. I guess after 60+ years of NOT exercising because it made me feel so very sick afterward, I have never left a "spot" for that in my daily regimen. I'm trying now to do better. If I had any recommendation to anyone it would be to keep up the good work that we had to go through in post-operative rehab and try to keep exercise - both strength and aerobic - as part of your "daily meds". If I had treated it that way, I think I would feel and actually be much better physically (and perhaps emotionally/mentally) today. I think all of us who have faced these surgeries feel an amazing sense of gratitude for our lives and our relationships. I hope I can - even at this late time in life - honor that gratitude by taking better care of myself. For those with upcoming surgeries - I know it is daunting but it is so worth it. God bless and keep you and those who perform your surgeries and post-surgical care. And when you feel better and have that wonderful energy emerging - try to make exercise a priority. You won't regret it! Big virtual hugs!

Coming up on my 8th anniversary after aortic aneurism repair (porcine) and aortic valve replacement (bovine). Apart from quarantine craziness, I am feeling quite well. Sometimes aches and pains around the incision area which will likely always be "tender", my life is normal. Looking back, I risked so much when I was unaware of the seriousness of my condition. I am forever grateful to my family physician for recognizing that my valve might be creating some of my health issues and sending me to a wonderful cardiologist. He ran tests and told me I was a walking timebomb and needed immediate surgery. They worked through all the necessary setup for testing, assignment to an extraordinary surgeon who happened to be serving in a hospital nearby and in my medical plan. Just yesterday I was looking at photos of that time and it brought back the wild range of emotions that I know we all experience when faced with this surgery. Finding this site made my surgery and recovery easier because of the great information and support I received. To all of you anticipating and recovering from surgery - it is worth it! Hang in there, do the hard work after surgery to get back in shape. You will never regret it!

What a year so far! Just doing a quick "check in" here. I get the updates Adam posts and just wanted to come back and say I'm still kicking and my little porcine tissue continues to contain my aortic aneurysm and my bovine valve still keeping time. Right now, I think it is really important to avoid brushing off not feeling "quite right", thinking everything is related to the malaise of the COVID situation. Don't forego your regular checkups out of concern about catching covid. They are very important to long term quality of life and everyone here has already hit major health issues head on at least once - often more than once. So that's my old lady advice! Insofar as me, I had a TIA earlier this year, just before the shut down. Thankfully mild and no major issues. Some small things not worth mentioning. But it was very scary. Although I'm good with keeping up with my meds, I'm not great at combating stress, and I've let a lot of inactivity/sadness creep into my life over the past four years in particular. So this was a wake-up call to refocus on my overall health and well being. Insofar as my heart, after 7-1/2 years post surgery I am doing well. There is a mild bit of leakage around the valve but nothing alarming at this point. At the time I had the surgery, they predicted 10 years before additional surgery needed. I'm hoping that will remain the case. In recent years, my cardiologist says they are seeing some valves like mine lasting 15, even 20 years. I'm a very medically "unremarkable" person and I tend to hit the averages right on the button. So I'm hopeful that the valve will clock several more good years. I have, just in the past year, started having some discomfort along the original incision lines and an odd feeling that the bone/cartilage is not stable. I've read that happens to some people right after surgery but will check stories to see if others experience this later down the road. It means that sleeping on my side is a bit more uncomfortable - but really nothing gruesome. Just noticing the difference. The year 2020 has certainly hit us hard from the standpoint of our work. But we live in a smaller town that, while surrounded by rising numbers, is itself doing pretty well. It only takes one person, of course, to spread the disease, but we wear our masks and limit our outings. I had a LOT of goals heading into the year and now my ONLY goal is to keep myself and my husband as healthy as possible. My biggest concern is my husband being hospitalized with COVID and not be able to visit and take care of him. So that is a huge motivation to do the little bits we can to stay as healthy as possible. I hope that you and those you love are doing all that you can to make your lives healthy, happy, and productive. For those facing surgery, my advice is to work as HARD as you can when you hit recovery. Every thing you do during that time will pay off with HUGE rewards as you move forward. We live in a blessed time right now with so much more known about the heart, surgeries, procedures, and follow-up care. It can be very scary - but the odds are VERY MUCH in your favor! God bless and keep you!

It's been awhile since I posted. My surgery was back in 2012. I've come back to look up information on "what happens next". I've been doing quite well - no hiccups with my heart. It has a bit of regurgitation that started up about a year ago - but nothing to cause concern at this time. I'm pretty "textbook" - for which I am very grateful. So many wonderful changes have occurred just since my own surgery and the outlook grows ever better. This site was such a huge encouragement leading up to my surgery and throughout my recovery. I know it continues to be so and wish all those who are contemplating and recovering the very best of health and a long life!

My 4th anniversary is coming up. Things are going well. I have no lingering health concerns and my memory and energy are back to pre-surgery level. This will likely be my last post. I know that if I live long enough I will likely go through another surgery (since I have the biologic valve). But it looks more and more like that will be a far less invasive prospect than what I went through with the initial surgery. A friend recently had his first valve replacement and they did it through a small cut with an expanding valve relayed through a tube. His time in the hospital was the same as mine and he was off work for the same amount of time. But he spent much of the recovery time in rehab which helped immensely with his overall return to health. His level of pain and discomfort were much different. It is so exciting to see this kind of progress. I come back and read people's posts from time-to-time, and I want to say to those facing this surgery that you have SO VERY MUCH to be hopeful about and such a HUGE opportunity to feel better than you may have in many years. I pray that for each of you.

Coming up on my second year anniversary! My husband and I are going to San Diego to celebrate. Things are going well. Heart sounds fine, no major issues. Still take meds to regulate my cholesterol and blood pressure, but otherwise nothing needed in terms of a-fib or anything along those lines. Mentally/emotionally I still have little moments in which it freaks me out that I have cow and pork tissue holding everything together and it still isn't terribly comfortable to sleep with anything pressing on my chest. I don't "worry" about having to have the surgery again, but because I was in the 59-60 range, there is a good chance I will at some point and on occasion it gives me a little twinge of fear - but not much and I push back on it pretty quickly. I am more concerned that I remain overweight and that I do not make time for effective exercise or enough sleep. That isn't being very responsible to myself or my family and frustrates me. I've been given a wonderful second chance and I'm unhappy with myself when I don't take the best advantage of being as healthy as possible. I think it is a weird form of "denial" - but it actually just "denies" me the option of being happier and less stressed. I will keep trying to do a better job on that front. For those of you with mechanical valves, I met a lovely lady during my recovery period who is 70 and had her aortic valve replaced with a mechanical valve over 25 years ago. It hasn't missed a beat! Encouraging - right? :-) Advice to the "newbies": get all the rest you can - and all the exercise you can - during your immediate recovery period. Once you get back to work, or even your normal routine, it is easy to stop taking care of yourself as you should. You will be glad for every step you took in recovery. Don't let fear or anxiety get the better of you. Talk with friends, family, keep a journal, share here on the site - anything but mulling it over in your own head too long. This is a blessing and a new chance to live longer and happier than you might otherwise have enjoyed. We need to make the most of it! Hugs to all those who helped me through that decision time and recovery! You blessed me more than you can imagine and I think and pray for each of you often! Hugs and much love to all! Sherry Bradford (avr and stem repair - 10/22/2012)

Overall feeling pretty well. A few weeks back I fell REALLY hard onto my chest. Tripped coming down stairs and hit my chest on the hard edge of our couch. It was excruciatingly painful - so bad I was close to throwing up. But the incision area held just fine. I stopped my fall partly with my wrist and fingers on right hand and they hurt pretty bad until just this week. My chest was black, blue and green, and VERY sore for a couple of weeks. But now the bruising is almost gone. Though my chest is fine, I haven't felt well since the fall. I don't think anything is hurt deeply. I think it is likely just some deep bruising, like the aftershock of a car accident. I had back surgery a few months before my heart valve replacement and they went through the front of the neck. I jarred that area pretty hard as well. I think it just takes time. So all that detail to say: the incision area is just fine! No more worries that it will somehow come apart. It is likely tougher than it was before the surgery with all the glue and wires! I am still struggling to get into a regular exercise pattern. But overall, I am doing very well. I think about my repaired heart every day. Sometimes I am concerned about the choice of a tissue valve and wonder if it is going to mean I have to go through all this again sooner rather than later. But most of the time I am comfortable with my choice, knowing that science moves forward and that I am someone who really dislikes having to think about remembering meds and fussing with frequent tests. I know I would not have been good at taking care of a mechanical valves needs. I am so grateful to live in a time in which both options are available. I have had lots of baseline tests for old ladies over the past few months and all came out good. So hopefully I still have time to get that exercise routine going so I can come back and write about other milestones. Prayers and virtual hugs to all those who are preparing for surgery. Congratulations to those who have come out on the other side. Work hard on breathing, walking and rehab and you will feel well again soon - and even better than just well! Life is precious and sweet and full of wonderful moments. Enjoy them all!

A year ago I was trying to catch some z's the night before my surgery. I had my tests earlier in the day and all was go! I slept better than I expected and then the next few days were quite a blur. But I remember the joy of being alive after the surgery fog lifted and have been so grateful for each day since. Physically I am doing well. I have to take blood pressure meds due to the increased blood flow. My memory issues are largely resolved. I struggle for some words, but it seems to be pretty consistent now with just my overall distracted nature. No more vertigo after my one treatment. Still have pain in my incision area and general tenderness, but overall has healed beautifully. I cannot sleep on my stomach as I used to, but do well on my side with a pillow for support. My job has been pretty stressful and that takes a toll on me physically. It mainly impacts my ability to get good sleep. It also wears me out which leads to less exercise. So that is a vicious cycle I have to overcome. Not exercising makes me feel less well, which leads to poor sleep, and round and round! My strongest advice to anyone going through this, no matter your age, is increase your quality exercise and sleep time. It makes a huge difference in the quality of life. I am so grateful to this site, my husband and son, and numerous friends who have been incredibly supportive this past year. The doctors and nurses who helped me get to and through surgery were awesome and I feel so blessed to have terrific insurance to help cover the costs. I hope I live another 20 years or more. Don't really want to go through this again - but would do so in a heartbeat! Haha! Hopefully I will be amazed by the inroads in the surgery and recovery if/when that happens! Take care sweet ones going through this now! It is worth every bit of the struggle. You will feel better and life truly is good!

Tomorrow will be eleven months since my aortic valve replacement and ascending aortic repair took place. Overall I am doing well. I continue to try to find a way to get more and consistent exercise into my schedule, but I do get some and will continue the fight on that front. P Last Saturday we brought a wonderful rescue pug into our home and he has so livened my heart! I had missed my English Bulldog desperately. She passed in January after 12 lovely years with us. Mr. B is a joy. He is 8 years old and has quickly claimed the house, yard, and my heart! Speaking of my heart, most pain in my sternum is gone. I have been having sharp little pains today in my chest. If I don\'t record on my year anniversary, you will know I should have had them checked out. (Sorry - heart patient gallows humor! :-) ). Truly I think it is likely stress pains from an extended teary bout yesterday. Sometimes I still have those, usually when I have gone too long without exercise to work out stress. As life will do, it continues to throw stress up like the mud from wheels escaping a soggy hole. One of my fantasies as i recovered from surgery was that I would put all stress into perspective and be the calm in the storm thereafter. Turns out I am human! But the good news is that the blues from the surgery have slowly faded into the past and overall I am happy again. I hope and pray that each of you going through surgery and recovery will find the great support and strength this site afforded me and those who were going through around the same time. Each new wave of folks builds a new chapter into this community. It has become an awesome place to learn, relax, grow, share, and face the future. Hugs to each of you!

Hello to my heart valve fellow travelers! I am coming up on my 10th month anniversary. Things are going very well. I wish I could get some weight off, but I am walking more and even jogging a bit on my treadmill. I actually break into a sweat but am not short of breath for quite awhile. That is so exciting! Today have had low blood pressure all day. Not sure why but I will see my cardiologist in a couple of weeks and if it persists maybe I can drop down to a lower strength BP med. that would be nice. But honestly, none of my meds have been problematic (other than cost! :-)). My depression seems to be a thing of the past. I have a lingering feeling that I am especially fragile or vulnerable in some way and that I may not live very long. That is disconcerting but I think it is a completely normal reaction to having this type of surgery. But I don\'t let it get to me. I just keep making plans and doing as much as I can of things I love and ask God to take care of those worries and feelings. Not a thing I can do about it anyway so not going to succumb to fear paralysis! For some reason I have been especially missing my bulldog this past week. Has brought me to tears several times. I lost her in January and this hasn\'t been any kind of \"anniversary\" or anything. I just miss her unconditional acceptance, her silliness, and her sheer joy when I would come home. Curt loves to see me too, but his reaction is definitely more subdued than was hers! :-). Hug your sweet animals! They are a special treasure. I have many of you in my prayers as you move toward surgery or through recovery. I don\'t comment as often on posts because I see a new group of folks are doing so and that is what makes this place so amazing! As each one shares of their experiences, we all grow and learn, are comforted, given hope, and prepared for some of the inevitable ups and downs. Hugs to all of you! With great hope and gratitude! Sherry

Coming up on my 9th month! My depression has lifted CONSIDERABLY (there is hope, folks!). My memory issues are still a bother, but I work in a demanding job and so far no complaints that it is interfering with my ability to function well in that environment. I can tell - and I know that those who know me very well can tell - but overall I can see improvements and I am very encouraged. I find that I am looking much more seriously at identifying ways to do more of the things that I find useful, hopeful, creative, joyful, etc. I am keenly aware that, although I hope to live another 20 years or more, none of us have any guarantees about length or quality of life as we cross the 60 year threshold in general and more specifically when we have been through such major surgery. It\'s just an extra strike. But it is NEVER a bad thing to take a closer look at whether we are living a fully present/fully conscious life. Every day is very precious, every sunset a joy and every sunrise a sweet promise! Now - about that vertigo issue! My vertigo started several months ago \"out of the blue\". I literally woke up after a very deep midday nap and when I stood up was very dizzy. I found every day thereafter that if I looked up high (as when looking at the top shelf at a grocery store, for example), I would get progressively more dizzy until I lowered my head. At night - EVERY night - when I would lay down the whole room would start to spin and it literally felt as though I were on an amusement ride. I visited with my Family doc who thought it might be an inner ear issue. He wanted me to rule that out first. I went to an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. After a few minutes he told me he was almost certain of my issue. He performed a very simple set of head tilts to confirm that I had BPPV. He then performed another set of very simple maneuvers of my head and my vertigo was GONE! He said that about 80% of patients with BPPV have a positive outcome from the maneuvers he performed. If it recurs then he asked that I come back to see him, but he said if I got through about 10 days without it coming back it probably was gone for good. I know a LOT of folks suffer with vertigo post surgery. This is a particular kind of vertigo and certainly is not anything folks should self-diagnose. But if you have vertigo with similar symptoms as those I have described, I do encourage you not to give up hope but to consider asking your physician whether or not you should be further evaluated for BPPV. It is truly a blessing to be able to look up and to lay down without suddenly feeling nauseous and like I might black out! Hugs to all of you who are recovering and to those who are facing surgery! You are in my thoughts and prayers. This is a challenging recovery process - and very personal to each individual. I hope that you will tell your stories and reach out to others to encourage them. This site is such a huge blessing in helping each of us get through the process. And it continues to grow in value as each person adds their experiences, advice, encouragement, and collective hope for a blessed future.

If you haven\'t seen Adam\'s post on the Edward\'s study, be sure to take time to read. The good news is that their study of a particular bovine valve showed it had a 17 year lifespan. That is very encouraging news for those of us who have bovine valves or are considering one. We knew, going in, that we might be lucky enough to live so much longer that we would need a replacement valve. Personally that would be awesome in my books if I got 17 years instead of the 10 a lot of folks predict. But who knows? Every day is a gamble; those of us who have faced this kind of surgery have had that shoved in our face but it is true of everyone. We just didn\'t have to believe it really applied to us. But now our very heartbeats remind us of our mortality. Life at eight months out is better than six months out. My depression still pops up but is much much better; down times are less severe and less lengthy. Exercise helps. Enough sleep helps a LOT. A lower fat diet helps too. My memory issues are slower to recover but I do see progress. I have stopped worrying about it so much since there is not a lot I can do to fix it. I take more notes and try to just keep moving forward. Again, sleeping enough helps a lot with this also. My work is very demanding and that actually helps. It is embarrassing to forget names and simple terms but having to work out problems helps me keep exercising the few brain cells that do still fire correctly! My incision area hurts from time to time but nothing an Aleve won\'t handle 90% of the time. Sleeping on my side for very long - either side - isn\'t possible yet. I feel like my sternum is going to fold in half. But it doesn\'t interfere with my sleep. I sometimes feel very fragile and emotional. It comes on when I am tired and achy and I start worrying about whether or not I will die suddenly. It is silly but normal for heart patients. I hope that will slowly fade too. There is a lot to be said for being at least a LITTLE oblivious to our own mortality! Prayers for everyone on the way to surgery and on the road to recovery! It is worth the wait and the pangs of recovery. Life is good.

My mood has definitely lifted compared to the last few months. There are hard days, but overall I am feeling less depressed. That is a good feeling. I still have vertigo when I look up and scheduled visit with my GP to see if I can ignore and it will get better or if need more tests. Hopefully we can just do wait and see. I definitely do not want any more surgeries for awhile! Going to the dentist tomorrow for first time after surgery. Have to take antibiotics beforehand so have timer set. Why a timer? Because my memory is really causing me some issues. Very frustrating and sometimes embarrassing. I get frightened sometimes but there isn\'t anything to be done. I had to have the surgery or die. I would rather have some memory issues. My incision really hurt yesterday and today. Not sure why. Used heating pad and took a hydrocodone and it was tolerable. Hurt my shoulder lifting hand weights so will have doc look at that. Remember Rosanna Rosanna Danna from Saturday Night Live: \"If it\'s not one thing it\'s another!\" I don\'t go around detailing all these aches and pains with others. I just list them here in case it helps someone out there wondering if they are alone with one pain or another. I still feel lots of anxiety about not recovering to be me again. I am not ready to say this is the new normal. Still fighting for more. See lots of promising postings out there from folks further along than me. Sometimes I get really afraid that I will die before I get back to feeling myself. But I don\'t stay in that spot for long. That\'s something none of us know or control. Hugs and prayers for those whose dates are set and for those in recovery. Post so others can learn and be comforted by your progress! Life is good!

Well made it past the six months mark and still kicking! I want to give another round of thanks to Dr. Raul Villalon, my family practitioner who first did all he could to get me to take the heart murmur more seriously and get it checked. To Dr. Raul Santos and staff who took great care in my diagnosis and gave me the news straight up and with great compassion. To Dr. William Ryan who stood over my opened chest for hours to repair the damage. To the wonderful folks at the Heart Hospital of Plano who helped me through those early days with such grace and mercy. To my sweet husband who was a rock for me. And to friends and to my precious son and daughter in life who encouraged me through recovery and throughout this unusual and unexpected journey to find myself. I am not there yet but I take great hope from those who have gone ahead of me and in the bits of light I see from time to time. To those who are waiting for surgery I want to tell you that you must have courage. There is often no other recourse if you want to stay alive. That is the way life is every waking moment but we seldom experience it in such a clear way. It takes courage to move ahead. Not valor - the kind of courage we see in our service men and women. That courage is a kind of self sacrifice that overlooks self preservation. But don\'t kid yourself. It takes COURAGE to face the uncertainties of surgery and recovery. You may not think you have enough. But you do. Each time you get up and move around after surgery you are expressing courage. You are actively fighting back and seeking the way home to life again. Life at six months post surgery is better than life at four months post. There are struggles and sometimes I fear I will never be truly me again. I am not certain what that means. Who WILL I be in the coming months and years? But there is no going back or changing anything that has happened. Hope looks forward and I have always been blessed with hope. This I know: Exercise as much as you are allowed and can handle. Find ways to challenge your brain to keep it healing and adapting. Eat well and sleep as much as your body requires. Find things that make you laugh. I use videos of silly dogs and cats. Find your way to your new normal before making drastic changes that may saddle you with consequences or regrets. If you need to be alone or with people, busy or quiet, walking or sitting, whatever it is find the courage to say so and do it. This is not the time to be too worried about what others want or think. Those who love you will understand and those who don\'t just have to deal with it however they can. When you feel better, do what makes you happy and what brings you joy. It will make those who love you very happy to see you so. Reach out to others for help. It also helps them. You will be back on the giving side again. Be a receiver for now. Prayers for your continued healing! Sherry

I spent the last three days at a seminar by Shara Reiner. She paints these lovely fun, quirky flowers that are bright and cheerful and full of color. She also paints these odd little angels with strange faces. It was such a lovely time. I was completely exhausted each day and on Saturday I came home and went so deeply asleep my husband had a hard time waking me up. It was completely draining. And I feel awful today - but I\'m only thinking of the last three days and not going to focus on how awful I feel right now. I woke up terribly dizzy and it has stuck with me all day. If it keeps up, I\'ll have to see the doc. But for now, I\'m looking at the fun and lovely things I painted. I\'m not particularly talented at painting, but I truly enjoy it. We did some mixed media and that was a wonderful experience. I\'m going to start a blog of my own. I have so enjoyed writing here and will continue to do so. But I also want to explore some other aspects of my life beyond this surgery and recovery. Right now it is like the capital \"A\" of my life and everything I see/do/feel/think seems to come back to it. If I feel a pain in my chest, it is never just mild indigestion, it is always a fear of something geing wrong. I think it is normal to feel this way after such a huge event. But it will be nice when it fades a bit from the forefront of everything. I\'m coming up on my sixth month post surgery. I had hoped it would be a defining turning point but I think it will be more of a non-event. I was reading that the average person takes between 9-12 months to recover from this surgery. I am always right at the top of the bell curve on everything medial so I\'m expecting my 10th or 11th month to be when I actually notice a difference. I just want to send a word out to those folks who worry that they are not being \"grateful\" enough if they are not 100% thankful for where they are right now. It\'s OK! We can only feel what we feel. God knows us a whole lot better than we know ourselves and He knows all the things that we have to add with an asterisk* to our comments. You know what I\'m talking about: I feel like crud - but *I am really grateful that I got such great medical care; or I feel depressed that I cannot participate in my own life at the level I want to right now - but *I feel really blessed when I compare myself to others with \"real\" issues. You name it, I know we have said it to ourselves or friends or family. It\'s really OK to say we are not where we want to be at this point in time. We ARE grateful. We ARE blessed. We ARE so very very happy to be alive. And God knows this about us. Don\'t be afraid to admit to yourselves or to those you love and trust that you aren\'t there yet. There is no use in pretending. If they love and care for us - they can see it. All of you who have been down this trail ahead of us: THANK YOU. Thank you for posting as you begin to feel better - it gives us hope too! Thank you for posting as you begin to get back your interest in things that you feared would never return! Thank you for posting about renewed energy and hope for the future! Don\'t ever underestimate how much those posts mean to those of us coming up from behind. We need to hear from you - six months, nine months, a year and more out. Please keep that light shining for us! Hugs and blessings to everyone waiting! It is hard to recover - but there are people to help along the way and lighten the load. Hugs to those who have just had their surgery and are on the way. There is no script for all this - just take it a day at a time.

Today I am plain sick of trying to be strong, put on the happy face, apologizing for feeling crummy and grumpy. I just want to lay down in the middle of the floor and flail and wail! That\'s me in this moment. My port holes feel like tubing is still stuck in there (it isn\'t). My wrist, where the large IV was put in aches. I feel \"not me\" and am just sick of it! I am tired of napping and sitting. I am tired of not sleeping well. I am tired of checking my blood pressure. I am fed up with dreaming that my heart has stopped and no one but me knows it! Or the one where the surgeon is operating on me and I am watching - wide awake and asking \"Is this normal?\" I am frustrated that things still hurt, that I think of things I used to do and they seem like another person. And I want her back. It isn\'t always like this. But sometimes it is. I don\'t like it. I don\'t like myself like this. But there it is.