Aortic Regurgitation, Joined September 2, 2012
Aortic Regurgitation
Joined September 2, 2012
Richard says, "After a 2 hour grooming session..."
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I can now do the things. The things that seemed so insurmountable and simultaneously so mundane. I can breath, walk, manage flights of ...Read more
I can now do the things. The things that seemed so insurmountable and simultaneously so mundane. I can breath, walk, manage flights of stairs without the constant edema, angina, and it feels great.
But it also feels foreign. My body has the muscle memory of pain. I can keep going if I don't think about it but actively attempting to exercise, physical therapy it's triggering. This tension this fear it rises to the forefront unbeckoned. A tightness in my neck in my muscles of my chest. And I can breath my way through it. I can force it down but the process of doing so makes me aware of it and a torrent of feelings, of guilt, of struggle. How did I let it get this bad? Why didn't I ask for a second opinion sooner.
Deconditioning, that's what they call it. And it is what I am. Everyday things like cooking dinner, going to the store, picking up my daughter, they are a work out. My muscles, my hands, legs arms they are sore like I've started a new exercise routine. An exhaustion triggered head ache. Only now my heart isn't so weak that I can just fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. I remember this last time. I have to calm my mind before I go to sleep. Unable to just sleep anywhere any time.
I guess all I'm saying is ventricular congestive heart failure it doesn't just go away with the physical symptoms. This is hard. I get a little better everyday but maybe when you have to keep telling yourself your okay , maybe just maybe your not. And that's okay. It's okay to not be okay. A good friend once told me just take one step at a time that's really all u can do. It will keep getting better. Just keep on keeping on.
But keep going!!! My best days are when I tell my brain to "shut up, that pain isn't real. You are riding that bike legs, so suck it up!" LOL ( I mean unless the pain is real, then we get hurt, and.. .I have to eat crow!) Haha. But really! Keep going!!!! You will do it! I always hear that the waiting is the hardest part...ya..nope. lol it's ridiculously hard...but you can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!