Comments on: Emotional And Behavioral Changes After Heart Surgery… For Beth & Erik

By: Mel

Mel — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 16:13:37 +0000

Research into the after affects of heart surgery is truely needed. However, I don’t believe it will happen………….my estranged husband had chemo. and radiation 28 yrs ago. The radiation was in the neck and chest area, no Doctor will acknowledge that the heart issue could or is a result of the radiation. There is alot of mention online of “Chemo brain” (name given to how they feel after chemo) Foggyness, forgetful issue etc after chemo. again Drs don’t acknowledge a connection to chemo. Interestingly the chemo he was on isn’t used anymore but I can’t find out why it is discontinued.
Not every patient that has any of these medical procedures has the after results. Alot of people around us that haven’t dealt with the results after the procedures say it is a small price to pay to be alive still……. which is probably the same mindset of medical community. It’s like takin a medication, they list the possible side affects but continue to use it because the extreme side affects don’t affect everyone.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 13:46:37 +0000

Thanks, Joni. Your thoughts are appreciated. I’ve come to realize over this past week how much of my own self is gone, how intensely focused I’ve been on him, and take this as a good sign. The ‘experience’ has changed us both.

By: joni

joni — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 19:18:24 +0000

Nancy, I know what you mean as I have these concerns for myself. I wonder if it’s side effects from meds too. So many things have changed for me. I now have Vertigo, something I never had before. I will say this, diabetes will mess with a persons mind. My grandmother had it and she had a complete psychotic break once. But, here is another tidbit, she had extreme heart failure to the point they said her heart did not really beat it just laid there and flopped. So who is to say. I think we should keep documenting all of this and maybe some research will start up if it has not all ready. As for functioning on my own as you express same concerns for your husband. I am not sure I could. I am extremely forgetful, I have so much going on in my head that I get lost in it sometimes.
But listen, you have to think of yourself too or you will grow to hate him and your life. If he can’t take care of himself then maybe you need to consider some alternatives. If he needs mental health care then you need to see that he gets it. Sometimes you have have to love someone enough to let them go. It’s a tough decision because your first loyalty should be to be true to yourself. And if you are not happy , then at some point it might begin to effect your health as well. A sleep study may be good for him. I am considering that also. My problem is that I can’t go to sleep on my own and they will not let one take meds to sleep. Now here is the thing in a nut shell Nancy. If he is having all of this the chances that he will ever get better are slim. I know because I have all of this too. And I have always said that if I get to a point where I am making my husband miserable. I will leave. I guess I have it up on some because I am all too aware of who and what I have become. I hope you can come to some sort of peace with all of this Nancy.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 13:23:20 +0000

Thank you all. I’ve returned to reread your posts several times over the past couple of days and find something new each time I do.
My problem is that whatever this issue is that my husband and I are dealing with is that it feels to me like some sort of mental impairment that is being dismissed as depression or as aftereffects of life changing surgery. It’s as if to all outward appearances my husband is highly functioning but there are hundreds of examples that tell me something is wrong, that he would not be able to live on his own.
I can’t tell if I’m enabling his decline or if I’d be abandoning him. Contrary to the cardiologist who suggested walking, his endocrinologist expressed alarm, strongly encouraging we return to our Primary Care where he’d recommend a sort of advanced sleep study for the night terrors . . . all we’ve heard from the Primary is the ADA (Diabetic) may have support groups.
So again, I return to this blog, picking through the pieces of your posts and want you to know how helpful they are – the demands/expectations from both sides of the coin, the changes in interest – from both sides of the coin, rx side effects . . .He called last night from the Pacific Coast Hwy and sounded wonderful but we don’t live on the PCH. We live in the Midwest and can’t pay our electric bill.

By: Joni

Joni — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 19:26:55 +0000

Audrey and Nancy;

Being on the other side of this I totally know what you are going through as well as your husbands. I am totally aware of how I am and how my life has changed since my surgery. I am 2 yrs out now. And I just want to say that from my perspective that I imagine that your husbands feel very bad as I do about how their life has changed and how they treat you. I know that I am not the person my husband deserves but I love him too much to leave and he understands and is making no demands on me. I am the one who is making demands of myself that I can not live up to. I will say this, I had some depression before the surgery and it only got worse. So, maybe your husbands were harboring this darkness and keeping it to themselves before the surgery. It’s hard to leave a person when they are down but I understand your need to gain your own lives back too. I would be devastated if my husband left me but I know he deserves better too. So, I think counseling together is good. If they are taking blood pressure meds I can tell you for sure it changes men and they lose their sex drives. And many men associate sex with intimacy. Many thinking it’s the same thing. So, I don’t know what the right answers are for you but I think you might want to dig a bit deeper and see how things really were before the operation. I for one loved many arts and crafts and now I don’t do them much. I loved to read and again not much anymore. I think what really happens is that we have these bad hearts and we are this person making do with what we have and then we get fixed and it transforms us into who we should have been because now we are getting proper blood supplies and so forth. Just my thoughts though. And I am rambling lol…Since I am on the other side of this coin I thought I would share with you.

By: Rick

Rick — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 12:53:04 +0000

Audrey, Nancy, thank you both for your comments. I am approaching my 10th anniversary from open heart surgery. Because of bleeding after the surgery, I was brought back to “the table” to fix the problem. Recovery from anesthesia was difficult. Much has happened in the last ten years. I am in a fairly new relationship, but I am so emotional about certain things that it may affect my new wife. Hearing your comments at least lets me know that my reaction is not “just me”. I need to work on my new marriage and I walk 3 1/2 miles almost everyday
for the last couple of years to control my cholesterol and glucose levels. So, just walking doesn’t solve the problem, it helps but I need to communicate with others that have gone through the same experience. I take enough medication to control my physical ailments without adding chemicals for mental failings. Keep your comments coming, and I appreciate this blog.

By: Audrey

Audrey — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 01:36:38 +0000

Nancy ~ Just writing down my thoughts and reading this blog has helped me because I realize that I am not alone in this struggle. The “go for a walk” solution that your husband’s cardiologist suggested is just plain ludicrous ~as if he just stepped out of the medical dark ages!

My husband and I have not seen each other for the last month while he tries to sort out what is going on with him while seeking psychological help. He has told me that he has felt better being on his own because he no longer feels any expectations from me that he will return to his old self. I do not expect him to return to who he was before surgery but I would like to have a “relationship” of some kind with him again. For a man that adored me for over 16 years he barely notices that I am even in the same room with him anymore.

I am understanding of the pain and loss of self that he is experiencing and that he will most likely never be who he used to be. I am willing to go to marital counseling with him if he can work with his Dr’s to move from this depression he is in. However, if he is unwilling to do the work along with me, at some point I will need to save myself from this situation. I have too much life left in me to continue being invisible(and so do you) ~ he was once my greatest love but I am facing the fact that I may no longer be his. The thought of no longer being with him is very difficult but in turn, the thought of living in isolation as we have for the last three years, is unbearable.

By: Nancy Sutlief

Nancy Sutlief — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 23:28:27 +0000

Audrey – Same story here. My husband was 48 when he had his surgery two years ago. My husband appears fine but has never returned to work. Our lives are in absolute financial ruin. His cardiologist suggested we might try going for a walk. It was such a complete disconnect from what I was trying to say that I felt I’d been slapped in the face. My husband treats me like I’m background noise and I have no clue what to do or where to go for help.

By: Audrey Schilz

Audrey Schilz — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 02:26:26 +0000

Three years ago my husband of 13 years (he was 49yrs) had open heart surgery to remove an aneurysm and replace his aortic valve. His friends and family have noticed a complete change in his personality. This has been a very lonely three years for him (and for me) – he is no longer the man I married. He seems to be afraid of everything, lost his drive, very easily agitated, unable to focus, desire for sex is completely gone, very depressed. I have been very sympathetic and have encouraged him to seek counseling (he made several attempts/but would stop). Worse yet, his drinking has increased exponentially in the last 8 months (yes, he is on coumadin). Our marriage is failing at this point – we really had a great marriage before the surgery and at this point we are two strangers living in the same house. He is once again seeking help but we are no longer living together because he needs to be alone to try and sort out what is wrong with him. This is so painful, in so many ways he left me three years ago and I’m not sure how much fight I have to exist this way any longer. I am angry that a surgery meant to save his life has turned my husband into a person that no longer understands himself or can relate to anyone around him, in many ways he lost his life. I am in the medical industry so I asked all the questions (lots of research and we purchased Adam’s book that we both read) in preparation for this surgery but NOT once before, during or after was his mental health addressed by the medical team attending him. This is outright neglect on the part of the medical community, they promote physical rehab for the body yet nothing for the mind. Please let me know if you have experienced this and how you were able to turn the situation around. I still love my husband but no longer recognize who he is.

By: Donna Rubik

Donna Rubik — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 20:24:29 +0000

My 70 year old very healthy, vital mother recently had aeortic heart valve replacement. She 3 days status post surgery. She is saying things like “your trying to kill me” or “I want to die”. At this point she has said that my sisters and I are not allowed to come visit her, only my Father (who before the surgery she really did not like very much). Any thoughts regarding the dilema? I have never seen her act this way. She has always been receptive to our help.